Tag Archive: funny things people say


DOUG’S FINAL ENTRY #3 (END)

Chucky: Doug, I think its wonderful how you thought you were out the door to do some coke and then God lead you back to hear more about Jesus. You can’t realy stay away can you? Let me know when your born again.

Jeffrey: Whether you’re talking to the snow, the smoke, or the needle, the end result is the same. You in a small box and you don’t have the key. You rant against everything because it is the only way you can attempt to confirm to yourself that you… still have an identity. You know I know by what I say.

Doug: Sorry, Chuck, wrong again. Just made a call and had all the bitches and the party relocated here. We’re all laughin’ our asses off at the assinine bullshit you and your creepy friends continue to spew forth. I guess me and satan have managed to make you all stay here and face a little truth about yourselves. Let me know when you grow more braincells, a spine, and lose the sheep mentality, mmmmkaayyy? ;0) And, not, Jeff, I will not end up in a small box being slowly returning to the maggots from which you came because I am going to be stuffed and stay in my master’s house. When he croaks, well, then I hope a little boy buys me in a taxidermy shop! Whoof!

 

Sampson: Doug, what is love and what meaning does it possibly carry in an Atheistic materialistic world? Don’t you suggest we are all matter, falling through space? What different does it make one person loves another, or shoots them?

Doug: Ah – you just keep coming back for more! Yes, I know that you know of which you speak in this case, you ex-junkie, you! I do not, however, rant against everything, just mainly the hateful disease and evil lies you and your onerous religion spreads. And since you are not familiar with hearing the truth, it’s understandable you’d confuse it for a ‘rant’. Not that there’s anything wrong with a good old rant now and again… or a bark, or a howwwllllll!

Sammy baby – you’re question only goes to illuminate the fact that you are assholistic (meaning, an asshole at every level) and a total idiot as well. I guess a mind as small as yours can’t handle the complexities of living in the real world. If you think there’s any love to be had by believing in a book that says that it’s okay for one human to own another… well, you deserve to have an IQ of a fencepost.

Come on, ladies. I own you all with one hand tied behind my back! Can you not get a whole bunch more of you to take me on so that we can even up this fight a little bit in your favor? This is like shooting fish in a barrel! Amusing, but hardly challenging.

Sampson: Doug, how does Atheism suggest it’s “wrong” for one human to own another? Have you ever owned a pet? In Atheism, man has no more rights than any other animal.

Jeffrey: You wouldn’t know the truth if someone gave it to you to tie off with… You make that obvious by choosing to run from it into addiction.

Doug: Can’t you read, Sammy? The bible, I said. Try and read it sometime. And are you so stuck up your own butt that you seem to forget that you are an animal – an animal speaking to another animal, a dog – hell! A mere pup. You think you’re better than me, eh? Well, this world was a far better place for us dogs when you greedy, fucked up people came with your demented ideas about invisible men in the sky! Do you still believe in the god Thor? No? Oh – you fucking atheist piece of poop!

Your false god is a slave merchant and slave owner. And you the cowering-on-your-knees-facing-the-ground slave!

And Jeff – you know all about running away don’t you… from the truth, and the bullies who used to pick on you in school for being such a snotty little shit!

Doug: What?! Where’d all you sissy’s go? That the best you got? My god (The Luscious Lesbian Leprechaun) owns your feeble god any day! You’re not worthy to suck her big toe!

Chucky: Good Doug. Thanks for bringing people over your house so they can see too. Thats ussualy how street ministry works. The preacher preaches, God sends someone to mock him wich causes a crowd and then during it all some bystandard hears the gos…pel which leads them to salvation. Its like street preaching on face book. AMEN AND BELIEVE THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST BEFORE ITS TO LATE.

Doug: Too late, Chucky. They’ve already been saved. We hang with the one true god – and she’s grooooovy! You deny her existence. You goddamned atheist!

Only weak minded scaredy cats like you bunch of wriggling worms stoop to the squalid position of making idle threats. We, on the other hand, are above such silliness! If you don’t believe in the Luscious Lesbian Leprechaun Goddess, she doesn’t really give a shit. She doesn’t blame you either, since you are too feeble-minded and spineless to crawl out from under that blinding rock you live beneath! She has nothing but pity for you.

Jeffrey: how many things are laying around half-way fixed Doug?

Doug: Jeff, you haven’t made much sense so far, but that is ridonkulous! Lay off the crystal-meth, man!

Carap: why dont you guys just stop talking to him…even Jesus chose not to go back to certain places or people because they rejected him, you have to hear believe and then recieve, he doesnt believe so move on, we’re told not to throw pearls before swine, the pearls are the gift of salvation, how precious it is like a pearl and if we throw before swine the pigs will just move it around in the mud and treat it horrible, just move on

Doug: Spoken like a true pig! The reason they keep comin’ back is because in a fight like this they are protected by anonymity and thousands of miles of ocean. Now, Miss Piggy, why don’t you just move on, take your snout out of our business, and lead by example?

Doug: Pigs and worms and maggots and asses. Bunch of clucking chickens!

Jeffrey: Doug… You know I’m talking sense. You know it very well. You know I have been “around”. I can tell you that I have been in the deepest darkest depths of addiction, and have been free for 9 years. You say there are no miracles, but I am one. You want to say I’m weak, but the others who partied with me are dead or in jail. Gotta run for awhile, but I’ll check back in. God is good, even to such as Doug. I know because there was a time….

Doug: You’re confusing your story for mine. And you seem to be confusing the word ‘miracle’ for the word ‘mackeral’! You must have a fish for a head. You’re not still alive because your fake god specially chose to save you and not the others… you just didn’t dare to do as much shit as they did! My gosh, the arrogance of you assholes is simply stunning no matter how many times I hear it. So what’s the bid deal? You swapped one addiction for another. Now you’re addicted to spewing bullshit from that book of hate you can’t seem to get enough of. So fucking what! That the best argument you got? Well, you’re in deeper trouble than you thought.

Sampson: In accordance with Proverbs 14:7 I won’t partake in this discussion any further. Doug is a testimony of just how depraved man is in the absence of God’s grace. Proverbs 16:4, “The LORD has made everything for its own purpose, Even the wicked for the day of evil.”

Jeffrey: Again you plod along in your ignorance. You rail against the wind, kicking at you’re own conscience. You know you’re in darkness but your screams of let there be light avail you naught. The sad thing its the glob of cells you as an atheist relegate yourself to being deserves no better according your own tenents. You have the arrogance to denounce the Eternal God then call others arrogant. In essence, you’re false and it is apparent to all.

Doug: Talking to you guys is like going around in circles and my head is starting to spin. In accordance with the Lesbian Leprechaun’s rules, you shall not be judged for your evil insanity, just pitied. And to those (like Jeffrey) who talk to themselves, we should laugh and rejoice we are not alone and desperate. Oh, ye atheists of no faith – when will you ever learn? Now – enuff, bunch! Time to partay! If you want to do this again, you’d better get a crew of others who have real, fully formed ideas and an idea how to communicate them. Cheers!

Jeffrey: The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every one. For God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

I couldn’t care less what people think of me, but God… that’s a different matter entirely.

 

Doug: Yeah, according to your evil little book of scribblings. Everything, including you pussies, begin and conclude in the abundant womb of the fabulously fun and wonderfully creative LLL Goddess! You should not blaspheme against her and my religion.

There are laws you know!

;0) Gurrrrrrruuuffff!!!

(Chuck and his gang of god-warriors ‘unfriended’ Doug shortly after this conversation. While they continue trying to help gullible folks find Jebus… Doug is sailing in the Carribean with his gang of real friends, Captain of the ship he sails!)

© 2010 Wordwurst

Jeffrey: Doug, you again don’t know me, but that ok… you are too full of yourself. I don’t need to curse you, you do with your own mouth. You try to shock people but I’ve been berated by paid professionals. You just come up loud but inconsequential.

Bobby: It’s obvious Chuck, that if he didn’t want to hear the gospel, or hear the truth, he would be off doing other things. I think he wants salvation.

Doug: I do not want nor need to be saved. Shit – you’re dumber than a sack of dung. And your allusion to bondage only gives the game away. You dressed up and tied up right now, are ya, Chuck? Is Jon and Bob treating you like the unworthy piece of crap you are? Okay then… I’ll let you get back to it! Enjoy, kids, enjoy!

Bobby: You can fool yourself Doug, but you can’t fool God. You obviously want what we have.

Chucky: Doug, You are the one who is tied up in bondage and you don’t realize it. God commands you to repent and trust in the blood of Jesus Christ.

Doug: He must be omnipotent like you, Chuck, ‘cus no matter how much he commands, I just flip him the paw. Obviously, you caved to his commands.

Goodbye girls – off to snort some coke off a beautiful bitch’s naked ass, and then enjoy a night long orgy – a normal one, though, not the kind you girly-boys would be interested in. So, you pray for me, ‘kay? And, of course, I’ll think for you! Toodle-oooh! ;0)

Bobby: I think he bugged out.

Bobby: Will do Doug, and Remember, we love you and God loves you.

Chucky: You shouldn’t do that Doug. You should stay home and read your bible instead. For the 10th time. What would you give for your soul? A line of coke?

Jeffrey: Nah.. you sound like more the angry tweaker type. How long since you last slept. I’ll enjoy great sex with my wife and I won’t come home with any “Bonus Gifts”. Yes we will pray for you, don’t worry. You’re not the only one who was ever angry with God.

Chucky: Doug, You can snort all the coke in the world and sleep with every woman but your life will still be empty and meaningless. Unless you repent from your wickedness and trust in Christ your only purpose in life will be to glorify God on the day he pours his mighty wrath out you.

Stapp: whtf have u been getting into down there chuck!!!! i just read all these comments and im a little creeped out bro!!! haha

Doug: Was halfway down the road when I realised I forgot the box of sex toys these hot bitches go crazy for. Came back to get it and here you girly-boys still are, talking bat-shit crazy stuff to me even though I’m gone! I think that sums it up, don’t you? You may as well be talking into empty space for all the good you’re doing.

Bob, fuck you, I don’t want your love, okay. Give it to these bunch of repressed homosexicals, okay?

Jeff, the only great sex you’ll enjoy is when you jerk your two inch flaccid rodent dick to The Passion snuff movie for christian gays. Yeah, I know you’ll pray for me – that’s how outrageously stoooopid you are. I’ll think for you, kay?

And Chuckyboy – things between us were going along okay with you and me here for a while, but now that your group of fag hags have joined in struttin’ their junk, well… I just don’t know anymore. They’s all a bunch o’ angry-assed hate-mongering mind-raping sucker of satan’s and god’s and jebus’ and the spirit’s cocks! Tell ’em to keep dat kind o’ shit in church where it b’longs and you and I can get back to your deconversion, fair enuff?

Now, I must be off to float in the heavenly sea of pretty dog ass!

It’s been real! ;0)

Stapp: yeah i believe in god im catholic n shit but i don’t take it to that level!!!

Carap: dont throw your pearls before swine…

Jeffrey: read the above thread and it is very easy to see where the hate lies. Its refreshing to see the hate, Christ said it would and should be this way.

Doug: Chuck and the girls take it at every level, and take it in every orifice – don’t you Chucky-boy?

John, I used to be a Catholic myself… but, y’know, y’grow. I’m happy to hear that you haven’t become like these clowns, they give your god an even worse name than he already has. It’s people like them that made me what I am today. I guess, in a way, I should be thankful to them for that.

Thanks, girls – mmwwwhhaaah! ;0)

Cara – you solipsistic arsehole. They weren’t throwing their ‘pearls’ before you! And, if you confuse lumps of turd with pearls, you are dumber than an old fat sow!

You can all try to dress up your hate as much as you like – like lipstick on a pig – but you’re fooling nobody. Every right thinking person knows that you’re sad sack of shit of a make-believe god is a liar, fornicator, rapist (Yes – he raped Mary, didn’t he? I mean, come on, she was a good girl and she was with Joseph, and god, without even marrying her first, comes along and shags her senseless! What a perv!), murderer, encourager of paedophilia, incest, rape, torture, killing, stealing and overall general naughty shenanigans!

Do you really think you’re fooling anyone with this holier-than-thou – oooh! look at me I’m so self-righteous and gorgeous that god thinks I’m just fab and will do me a few favors for all my attempts at good PR! Freakazoids, the lot of you. But if you ever get over it, maybe we could be friends – no leashes attached, no threats of eternal damnation, ‘kay. You’ll be safe with me cuz I actually care about people, I don’t pretend to, like some. It is not your god, but me, who is man’s best friend.

Stapp: the only time u will see me in church is a wedding or a funeral or if im in jail i go just to get out of the unit!!! hahaha but thats it for me i just can’t get into it…

Doug: My master is a therapist, Jeff, and I’ve learned much while sitting at his feet when he works with clients. You saying that I’m the hater – it’s called projection. I’d suggest that you see a doctor, but I’d actually prefer that your head slowly caves in for the lack of brain matter to hold it up. And, you’re right about saying that it’s very easy to see where the hate lies. You mother’s are filled with it – it oozes from every sanctimonious pore of your swollen corpulent sluglike bodies. Invasion of the body-snatchers. Sorry, Jeffrey, but the aliens got you. Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault… :0)

Jeffrey: Do you still have your own teeth Doug, or has the meth-mouth set in yet? Picking at sores? Has your nose rotted out yet? Anyway… Have Fun you crazy guy you! You’re the one that said he was running off to do blow…

Doug: This canine has all his canines! How silly, Jeffrey – dogs don’t do meth. And that’s another thing – all you fuckers suffer a serious case of selective listening and a sad lack of a sense of humor! I said coke, not meth. The coke you’re doing must be very poor quality. I only do the best!

Sampson: Doug, you’re a testimony of who I could have been without the transforming Grace of God. Even an inconsistent, irrational atheist like yourself brings Glory to God. I just find it odd that you are calling us hateful, and yet you are the one launching all of the insults with no apparent intention of speaking as a mature adult dog.

I suspect the Holy Spirit is convicting you right now, drawing out an even more sinful and hate-filled response, but then again, that’s the natural response we sinners have to holiness – that is, until God chooses to remove our sinful hearts, and make us a new creature.

I’ll pray for you, Dog, that you don’t meet God’s wrath. It’s easy to breath out profanities against your Creator while there’s a breath in your lungs, but you too will cease to breath one day – no matter of arrogant boastful hatred will protect you from receiving Justice.

I don’t want that for you, and I’m sure Chuck doesn’t either. Repent, while you have time to do so.

Jeffrey: Now who’s a kidder… You’re anger is far more typical of a gak-fiend. Don’t be shy… we already know.

Doug: Good for you, John – you obviously still have a mind of your own. Which is a crime when it comes to these whining maggots and there mindless worship and following of an imaginary maniac. I wish you all the very best, John. It’s refreshing to speak to someone on here who is still sane. :0) Sampson – have you run out of ‘e’s?

Sampson: Owen, your comments here hardly demonstrate much sanity on your part. You just seem like a hate-filled sinner under conviction for his lifestyle.

Jeffrey: He’ll be back in a minute… he peeking out though the blinds.

Doug: Hey Sampson, if you have the time to do so, go fuck yourself. I am above you, not of you. You are mere mortal man. I am Dog!

Again, because you’re slow on the uptake, you scumbags just try to hide your disgusting filthy hatred behind platitudes and scripture while it is plain to see and hear that beneath the veneer you are a seething pit of evil vipers! There’s a saying you probably won’t understand: The meaning of your communication is in the response you get. Take a few days off to think about it, assuming you still have the ability to do so. Then, ask yourself, since this is the kind of response you get from enlightened humanitarians, what could the meaning of your communication about god and jebus and all that hocus-pocus fairy-tale nonsense mean?

And since it is a fairy-tale, does that mean you are a fairy? Nothing more disgusting than a fairy in denial judging a fairy who at least has enough balls to come out of the closet. Come on, Sam, it’s time. You can come out now. Stop repressing you’re latent nature. If Jebus were true, he was obviously a homosexual… so, if it’s good enough for him, is it not good enough for you?

I can look right into that black little heart of yours and see a flaming faggot just dying to burst forth and be free! It’s okay, Sammy baby, it’s okay. I won’t judge you like all those hypocritical party-poopers who call themselves christians but are nothing more than empty-headed charlatans. Don’t worry, it’ll get better! :0)

 Jeffrey: quick… check again… I’m sure I heard someone pull up…

Doug: That’s right, Jeff, let your mask down and show us all who you really are underneath your feeble pretence of piety… go on…

Sampson: Doug, you can’t present yourself as a voice of reason, or a loving alternative to Christianity when everything you post here is full of hatred and insults. Atheism is inherently irrational, perhaps that is what bothers you.

Doug: Oh, Sammy boy, the pipe, the pipe is calling! The only person trying to pretend he’s something he is not, is you – and the rest of your girly gang. You are an atheist, too. At least I’m not a scaredy-cat to admit it. Everything you post on here just shows that you have no idea what love or compassion is. Which is understandable – because the way you talk wouldn’t incline anyone in their right mind to show you love or compassion. You can go on pretending that the invisible mind-dildo loves you, if that makes you feel any better.

As for you, Flowery, maybe its time to lay off the jebus-juice. Paranoia seems to be annoyin’ ya. But remember, just ‘cuz you’re paranoid doesn’t mean that everyone isn’t out to get you. They are coming to take you away – ha-ha hee-hee ho-ho! To the funny farm. ;0)

Jeffrey: ‎”because the way you talk wouldn’t incline anyone in their right mind to show you love or compassion.” Doug… truer words have not been spoken.

Doug: Finally, we agree on something, eh? Who’d a thunk it?

Jeffrey: yes but I’m talking about you… 🙂

Doug: I know you think you are. But I also know how to read between the lines (subtext) and get who you’re really talking to. Its okay, your secret is safe with me. Now that you’re beginning to ‘fess up to the truth, you just might be okay some day. Miracles don’t happen, but people can change. Fingers crossed.

(tbc…)

© 2010 Wordwurst

FARCICAL FACEBOOK CONVERSATION #4

GOD BELIEVER

VERSUS

DOUG THE DEVIL DOG

GB: ‎”If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.” John 14:23-2

DD: An old girlfriend tried that guilt trip on me once. She said, “Doug, if you really love me, you’ll do what I tell you to do… and buy me that diamond encrusted collar.” I said “I love you enough to not let you think you can go around demanding anything you want and as a result, be seen as a spoilt and selfish little bitch!” She’s no longer my girlfriend, but she’s a lot better now. So, I say, if you really love Jebus, do not obey him all the time – do not give in to all of his demands. If you did, and then he and his dad came and moved in with you… well, can’t you see what knd of nightmare your life would become? So, sin at least as much as you obey him. I mean, you wouldn’t want him dying on the cross for your sins to be in vain, would you? But if he keeps pestering you to do this and do that and give him all the thanks and praise (like a little Kim Jong Il running about the place) just say, Jebus, you are acting like a spoilt and selfish bitch! and give him a good, loving, slap! Always works for me! :0) Peace & Love (it goes both ways!)

 *****

GB: Yes, Jesus you are the protector of my life and soul.

DD: And my heart… and all my internal organs – spleen, liver, intestines, colon, pancreas, kidneys, testicles, ovaries (okay, yes, I am a hermaphrodite – dont’ judge me! Just kiddin!) fallopian tube, vas deferens, blood pump, lungs, brain, etc. Thanks for protecting them all, Jebus. You must be a very, very busy man… oops, I feel a fart coming on… Aaaah, thank you Lord! Grrrreeeaatt! That was a relief. All glory to you and your protection. But GOD – it sure stinks in here! Whooooooooffff! ;0)

****

GB: One of the hardedst things a christian may ever have to do is compare themselves (there heart, mind, deeds, conscience) to scripture and then in there wretchedness try to figure out how God could possibly love us so much

DD: You’re right, Chip. You are wretched and it is mind-boggling that god loves you. He probably doesn’t. Why should he bother with such wretched sinners as yourself? Maybe its time to pack it in! ;0)

 ****

Agape Jesus Hey all my FB friends. I want to invite you and your friends to come join our non denominational Christian Chat / Social network website. Live audio and video member chat rooms, Group chat rooms, IM one on one chat rooms, Myspace like profiles, prayer wall, and much more.

DD: Jeesh! What a name for a christain based page. Last time I heard the word agape was when a friend was describing a porno film he’d watched! I think it was: Bonkers the Bitch Does Dallas! What would Jebus’ name be if he was a porn star? Mite E Rod? Ohmi Gawd! Bearded Steel? Cumtu Hevven? Please post your ideas here. Winning entry gets FREE Indulgences (worth $5,000!) Must be over 18! Terms & Conditions apply. (Warning: Entering this competition may have side-effects: guilt, nausea, desperation, suicide, instant inexplicable death, death by lightning strike, hell for eternity, flatulence, halitosis, hair-loss, agonising period pains, and ingrown toenails!) Ask your doctor!

Agape Jesus Do You believe in signs from afterlife? Check out this photo then answer this question. Please share with friends and family and buzz it up at the bottom of the page. Amazing.

DD: My master would never fool around with such silly ways of communicating with me – stupid signs and such stuff… My master speaks to me directly – clearly and intelligibly. And the fact that he respects my mind and thinking shows in the mature way he communicates. Your god seems to be such a capriscious, disrespectful, narcissistic, solipsistic, demanding little personality. Maybe I should get my god to school your god, eh? Yap!

© 2010 Wordwurst

GOD BELIEVER

VERSUS

DOUG THE DOG

GB: I have never been to “Las Vegas”, seen on TV a documentary about “Las Vegas”, one thing that really caught my eye, it showed the inside of a betting parlor, they showed a sign above the betting sign, the sign read…
        The best bet one can make is believing that Christ died for your sins, was buried, and rose again the third day.
        The sign also included—> It’s a win win no lose situation, if Christ isn’t who He says He is on “that day”, man has nothing to worry about.
        The BIG but…”BUT”…if Christ is who He says He is and you didn’t accept Him as your Lord and Savior on this side of Glory, “YOU” will be “eternally lost”, no appeals, no lawyers, no phone calls, no visits, no mail, no saying your sorry.

DD: Wow – you take advice from the guys who run Las Vegas. I’m a dog and I wouldn’t be so bone-headed as to do that. My master, whom I lovvvve, taught me better! You guys are still trying to use Pascal’s Wager as some sort of justification for believing in ghosts and fairies. Talk about an argument from ignorance. Heh – I be b’leevn in god cuz if I r wrong it don’t make no diffrunts! But if I r right, I get to be in hebben. Yee-haw! Do you really think any god worth his title would buy that dog poo? Not me! I’d fire your ass so fast into hell you wouldn’t know if you were coming or going! Of course, if your tiny mind cannot understand science, religion is a pile of poo you can play in, like the primates all of you so obviously descend from. I know, I know… you’ll pray for me. Fair enough. I’ll think for you! Have a nice day! Whooooooft :0)

***

GB: The Bible teaches us that we are all made in the image of God…. and his Spirit dwells in us (Women and men) as we know Christ as saviour. I am in no way second class! I have been set free and God’s Spirit empowers me to live for Him. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile slave or free, male or female – we are allone in Christ Jesus – brothers and sisters – to live for his glory in the power and freedom that Jesus gives. Hallelujah!!

DD: A book my master reads me called Where’s Waldo, teaches us that Waldo is very good at hiding… but that doesn’t make it any less of a made up story. If you are a woman who has read the bible cover to cover, then you would already know that you are considered to be chattle, made of the rib of man to be man’s servant. Obviously, you haven’t read it all, or you have selective memory, or have distorted the meaning to suit yourself. Either way, like all christians, you are deluding yourself about what your book says and the effect of it. I hope you will become more responsible about what you say and do – expecially around that baby you are holding in your arm, because your book also supports the idea of one human being owning another. Some god indeed! My master doesn’t own me… he is my friend! Be well!

***

GB: Inside each of you is a rich person, a poor person, and a middle class person. It is up to you to decide which person you become – rich dad poor dad, by Robert Kiyosaki

DD: There are no people inside me, GB – I’m sure I’d notice. As for this class BS, what in dog’s name are you talking about? Did it ever occur to you that if you want to become a Rich Dad like Bobby, you might want to write a book telling people how to get rich and then travel the world delivering courses on it, etc? Bobby’s a charlatan whose name should be Richard Cranium! The truth is – do what you love and what you’re good at and let the money take care of itself. And, surely, being a christian, didn’t jebus say that rich men aren’t gwyne upta hebben? Come on, my friend, THINK! Be well.

GB: I have not read the book, but I have read the bible. The notion that rich people don’t go to heaven is a perfect example of taking a scripture out of context. The reference is from Matthew 19 where the rich young man came to Jesus and asked what he had to do to inherit eternal life. Jesus first told him to keep the commandments. When the man said that he does and asks what else he should do, Jesus told him to sell all he had and give it to the poor then come follow him. The famous verse is next Mt 19:24 “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Jesus what making the point that the man trusted his money more than God. God never requires us to be poor. He requires us to be obedient. The bible says that we cannot serve both God and money. Also, where a man’s treasure is, there his heart will be also. God wants our hearts and whatever stands in the way whether it be money, women, drugs, etc. will hinder us from giving our hearts to him. Read the old testament and see how wealthy some of God’s servants were. Look at Abraham. In Genesis 12:16 the bible states, “He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels. It says her he was wealthy to the point of having multiple servants. Also, in Gen 13:2 it states ” Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and in silver and gold. Now, this man is definitly in heaven. The point is that God wants to bless his children monetarily so they can bless others and glorify Him. 2 Corinthians 9:10-11 “Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. (11) You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. That is the word og God rightly dividedwhat he had to do to inherit eternal life. Jesus first told him to keep the commandments. When the man said that he does and asks what else he should do, Jesus told him to sell all he had and give it to the poor then come follow him. The famous verse is next Mt 19:24 “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Jesus what making the point that the man trusted his money more than God. God never requires us to be poor. He requires us to be obedient. The bible says that we cannot serve both God and money. Also, where a man’s treasure is, there his heart will be also. God wants our hearts and whatever stands in the way whether it be money, women, drugs, etc. will hinder us from giving our hearts to him. Read the old testament and see how wealthy some of God’s servants were. Look at Abraham. In Genesis 12:16 the bible states, “He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels. It says her he was wealthy to the point of having multiple servants. Also, in Gen 13:2 it states ” Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and in silver and gold. Now, this man is definitly in heaven. The point is that God wants to bless his children monetarily so they can bless others and glorify Him. 2 Corinthians 9:10-11 “Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. (11) You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. That is the word of God rightly divided!

DD: GB, do you really think being able to regurgitate the bible gets you anywhere – unless its your specialist subject on MasterMind? How arrogant of you to think that your interpretation is the correct one. Whoooooofffff. Shame on you! I take the bible literally because I don’t have the bravery/stupidity/ confidence of saying, as you do – What God Meant to Say! My gosh – for such a young kid you’re acting like an egotistical, self-righteous, pompous, arrogant git! Now – go do your homework – and try to lay of the brainwashing: giving it and receiving it.

GB: Although, I enjoy the debate, I have to get back to work. I will say that you allude to being older than me, but the insults you hurl in a purely innocent debate have me questioning that. Your rebuttal should have the power to accomplish what the insults attempted. ;o)

DD: See, all communication is interpreted – sometimes rightly, sometimes not. The points I made were not intended to be insults (and I respect your right to choose to take them that way), they were mere observations about you based solely on what you said. And I’m curious to know, since you claim to know the mind of god, what do you think my ‘rebuttal’ was trying to accomplish?

GB: I owe you an apology. I may not have been as blatant, but there were insults in my replies. For that I am sorry. It is obvious that we disagree on what the truth is, but I respect your opinion, and I always welcome opposition. It causes me to be more deliberate in my studies. Be blessed!

DD: You are a big man to be able to say that and I admire you for that. Maybe you will be my friend, too. It’s a rare characteristic and therefore valuable. Yes, we do disagree, and like you, I always welcome opposition as it helps me sharpen my sword! Be real!

GB: I believe it as conviction from the Holy Spirit, you may not, but as soon as I left the comment prior to my apology I walked into my project managers’s office and started feeling dizzy. I then felt compelled to apologize. Immediately after I posted it I started feeling better. Your reply further affirmed it was the right action. That has never happened to me like that before. Crazy! I look forward to running into you again in cyberspace.

DD: Not in a car I hope! I accept your interpretation of what happened to you. My master is a neural-therapist and has explained to me how human’s filter their perception and give it meaning. Also, I operate under the presupposition that there is no REALITY so to speak, and that we all construct our own. From that standpoint, I would fight for your right to belive what you want. Grrrrr! And when any religious people reach out and try to change laws that take away my freedom… well, that’s when I get a little ticked off. So, we understand each other better now – which is great, because to me, that’s the main reason for us communicating with each other: to understand, not try to change the other person’s mind against thier will. Be well, GB man. Till we meet again! :0)

GB: Well said, Doug. Till then.

DD: Hoooowwwwl! (*wags tail and drools*)

© 2010 Wordwurst

GOD BELIEVER

VERSUS

DOUG THE DOG

GOD BELIEVER: I thank God for Dr. John MacArthur!

DOUG THE DOG: Do you thank god for Dr Tiller – the man murdered by a christian? I mean, wasn’t Dr Tiller also created by the god of which you speak? Just curious. I’m a dog on a path to discover the truth about god, or the lack thereof.

GB: As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God.” Psalm 42:1

DD: “My pants need water to wash them when they get soiled.” Barkings 12:11 (The Word of Dog)

GB: The heavens have no voice yet they shout of God’s glory to the ends of the earth.

DD: Being a dog, I’m not as smart as humans, so, can you run that by me again. The heavens have no voice but they shout? Is this not an oxymoron?

GB: Compared to my own need of grace (past, present, & future) the grace I must show others is indeed quite small.

DD: ??

GB: You can’t muster up a heart of affections for Christ & the things of God…you must be born again.

DD: When I was born, amongst a large litter of little squealing pups, somehow, they managed to push me in again. A few minutes later I came out again. I’ve been born again from the very start. Wooof!

GB: If we started to hear “damn” & “hell” in their proper biblical use in more pulpits, we might hear them less as everyday cuss words.

DD: Hell yeah! I agree with that. And damn all those who don’t!

GB: Only 1 creature, man not angel, can live to the praise of the glory of God’s grace because he has personally experienced it in redemption.

DD: I am that creature – behold: I am DOG! Man is my best friend and master. When I met my master I said: I hid under the house because I love you, master! He is good to me. And even if I make mistakes he loves me and tries to teach me better. He’s promised to never throw me into the fire of which I am very afraid. I love him. He is good to me and would never burn me up for all eternity. Woof!

GB: Christ never asked for help in carrying the cross yet He requires those who want to follow Him to deny self & take up their cross daily.

DD: As a dog, I have no self to speak of. I don’t have a cross either. But I have a ball – will that do?

Will you be my friend?

GB: There’s a fine line between discernment and a critical spirit. I know because I have crossed it far too many times.

DD: Me too! I used to try to color inside the lines, too, when I was a pup, but so often went outside of them. But my teacher, Mrs Izzardtail, told me it was bad if I didn’t stay inside them. She also said, flowers are red and grass is green. Eventually, I came to dislike art and gave up on it. Now I just look at other dog’s art on the screen of my computer. Ah well. I suppose my artistic flair and desire was crushed out of me for some higher and better purpose. I’ll be happy to share that with you as soon as I find out what it is. God only knows!

GB: True communion with Christ doesn’t fit on a “To-Do” list.

DD: Darn! I’m going to have to cross that one off then!

GB: Jesus never cast out the demon of any sin but commanded the sinner to repent.

DD: Does a human have to pent before s/he can repent?

GB: “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak” Matt 12:36 Makes me reconsider before posting on FB!

DD: Me is verrrrry careful what I speak, not because I’m afraid of the big dog in the sky, but because I am man’s best friend. And sadly, I know that some men are very thin-skinned and sensitive and can easily distort the meaning of things said or written into something they find offensive but was never intended. The Big Dog made me and he is my master and I loovvve him. If I do something wrong he teaches me. He never does anything bad to me so I do not fear him. I love him because I want to… not because of horrific events that will unfold if I don’t! That’s why I am sympathetic to man! Some people actually believe and tell others that their creator will have them burn in agony for eternity over some finite crime! Barking! Whooff!

GB: Special early morning time of communion with Christ flees all too quickly. Looking forward to eternity with Him in glory.

DD: Me don’t understand. You want to die? Should I say: Hope you get there soon? Confused. 😦

© 2010 ORP

In this day and age, anybody who thinks that they know what clichés are automatically assumes that everyone else does, too. The fact is – injurious to some as it may be – a vast minority of the world’s population would not be able to give a satisfactory definition of the word if asked. And, to add insult to injury, this is a very unsavoury situation indeed. However, it would not be better left unsaid.

To find a person who could tell you what a cliché is you would most likely need the accompaniment of either Dame Fortune or Lady Luck, or both, as people of this status are few and far between.

In the not so distant days gone by (previous to my seeing the light of day), I was immediately put in mind of knitting whenever the word cliché was mentioned. Needless to say (no, that’s a pun!), that condition has been corrected. Maybe I thought it was a type of stitch, perhaps a pattern – possibly even the knitting needle itself, retrospectively speaking. But the fact remained: I did not know what a cliché was. And as much as I hate to admit, I speak straight from the shoulder.

As luck would have it, I recently found out that clichés have nothing whatsoever to do with knitting, and vice-versa. This newfound knowledge found me last Tuesday night at the writer’s workshop I attend. I was extremely embarrassed by the ignorance of my cliché-related foregone conclusion – that goes without saying. But not as embarrassed as I might have been, thanks to a question put forward by an elderly gentleman. Rabbit hutches were the main topic for discussion when the aforementioned man asked what a rabbit hutch was, exactly. His errand of mercy enabled me to beat a hasty retreat, and being on the ball, I managed a miraculous escape from the bright and shining faces just in the nick of time… and, believe you me, I was none the worse for wear. Anyway, to cut a short-story even shorter, the man found out what rabbit hutches are. Better late than never.

Subsequent to finding that clichés and knitting are not related in the slightest – and being of a curious nature – I decided to track down the answer to the urgent question: What is a cliché, then?

Words fail to express how this task was easier said than done. This single and semi-precious piece of information I would like to impart to anyone who is in the same predicament I was, cost me some supreme sacrifices and superhuman effort. Needless to say (yes, now it’s a cliché!), I threw caution to the wind, stayed up till the wee small hours of the morning and now I’m white as a sheet. But, being busy as a bee and burning the midnight oil paid off in the long run.

Slowly but surely, after the discussion on rabbit hutches met its untimely end, our instructor instructed us to have an article written in a fortnight – either topical, seasonal or informative. Since I had no theme in mind – and my knowledge of seasons is strictly limited to parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme – I came to the conclusion that my article would have to be informative. I thought this idea to be a diamond in the rough. I could write an article and at the same time save some people the embarrassment and queer consequences I met with due to my ignorance. I could kill two birds with one stone by clearing up the confusion clinging to clichés. Clichés cannot be considered conspicuous by their absence, on the contrary, it is their very presence that wraps them in mystery.

As you might have guessed, the first place I looked for the answer was in the dictionary. Because I did not know the correct spelling of the word, I was immediately confronted with a problem. I asked the nearest person to me at the time – an ex-priest – how to spell cliché.

He said, ‘K-L-E-E-S-H-A-Y, do you agree?’

I agreed to disagree and thought I’d push my luck further. You don’t happen to know what a Kleeshay is, do you, ex-father?

‘Indeed I do, my ex-son!’ he said. ‘It’s a type of dish – rather like a soufflé.’

I put his information to the acid test and checked it out and the closest word it had was Kleeshee – which is a small suburban area in Scotland. I could see that I was not coming along in leaps and bounds in my investigation. I thanked the ex-priest who told me to cease in my untiring efforts as all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I told him my name was not Jack.

Call a spade a spade,’ he muttered.

I waved a farewell.

A woman in the street who looked to me to be of good personality and intense intelligence, was my next target. Could you please tell me how to spell cliché?

‘Do you mean cliche as in the impression made by a die in any soft metal, or, an electrotype or stereotype plate?’

Her French accent confused me and I admitted to being acluistic.

‘No matter,’ she said, rather Frenchly, ‘it is spelt: C-L-I-C-H-E.’

 Thank you very much an bwaynos deeass, I said, and went off to consult my common or garden variety type dictionary. After finding that the lady was perfectly correct, I turned green with envy, but felt hale and hearty because my hectic weekend was over. It was a festive occasion indeed.

There was, of course, a skeleton in the closet, as it were. Cliche had yet another completely different meaning. The book I was researching called it, (amongst other things): stereotyped or hackneyed saying or phrase, for example, thick as a brick. Adjectives – cliché-ridden, clichéd. I turned white as a sheet as the realisation of my fatal deed set in. I figured I’d have to turn over a new leaf, start afresh, begin anew, and all that jazz. It seemed I failed with flying colours. So, pouring a long, stiff drink, I drowned my sorrows.

But, like all happy endings, there was light at the end of the tunnel. The book loaned me the legend: Cliché’s tend to interfere with good writing. However, there was an ‘although’. The ‘although’ was this: They should be employed if ultimately necessary. Those words made me happy as Larry!

Last but not least, here’s some food for thought: a famous writer once said something similar to this: The difference between the correct word and a word that will do, is the difference between lightning and a lightning-bug. I believe it was the late, great Mark Twain who bestowed us with these wise words… or, on second thoughts, was it Samuel Longhorn Clemens? I’ll have to investigate this further. But no matter who said it, I’m sticking to it till the bitter end!

The Sweet End.

© 2010 Wordwurst

This is right to the point. Don’t do adultery, right?

Simple, no?

Yes. As you know, and I don’t need to tell you, and you knew I was going to say that anyway… What, specifically do you mean by adultery?

Why don’t you look up that book of yours and stop bothering me with your silliness!

Dic says: Adultery [uhduhl-tuh-ree]   –noun, plural -ter·ies. voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. Does that about sum it up for you?

I have no qualms with that.

Good. So, I’m wondering… if the sex is voluntary, then why do you call it a sin and command us never to do it?

Because the married person would be cheating on his wife.

Cheating, eh? And what’s that when it’s at home for the evening?

Cheating is being untrue, unfaithful, breaking your word, your promise! That’s not allowed!

Well, don’t raise your voice at me, Mr God! – how in your name was I supposed to know that being untrue, unfaithful, breaking your word, your promise was not allowed? You haven’t said a word about any of those in your commandments so far!

Have I not? Well, even so – you should know that anyway.

Why? Your followers tend to think that we get our morals from you and nowhere else.

That’s true. You get everything from me. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the Giver and the Taketh awayer!

Okay, so you give us everything – including the desire to want to jump some hot chick even when we’re married…

Mmmm Latina hot?

Sure. Whatever you like. And while you’re thinking about that one, Mr God, perhaps you’d say whether it would still be a sin to break this commandment if the man’s wife was, let’s say, a voyeur and got her rocks off acting like a peeping Tom and actually instructed her husband to commit adultery… then, I mean, he wouldn’t be cheating then, right?

As my son said –

Which one?

Oh, yes, quite. My number one son – Jesus of Nazareth.

He’s your favourite then is he, dad? That’s not the nicest thing to hear you know, if you put yourself in my position. It kinda sucks really, if you wanna know the truth.

Come on, son. He was special because he… well, he was actually me!

That’s right. And the Holy Ghost – was he part of it too, part of the long, drawn out torture scene?

It’s hard to tell with the Ghost, but yes, I felt his presence. Anyway, as I said once, or maybe twice, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That should clear this up. Just get into the vibe of that, son, and you’ll gain wisdom.

I don’t think so. It’s more like you’ve just thrown a Spaniard in the works!

Mmmm Spanish hot!

I mean, what if the man’s wife, as well as being a voyeur, is also into S&M, bondage, and all that whips and chains, leather and rubber stuff, you know?

Yes. Go on…

What if she were to take your last instruction to heart? She likes being whipped and beaten, spanked and fisted, so what you’re saying is, and correct me if I’m wrong, that she should do (those things) unto others because that is what she’d have them do unto her?

Ah Jesus, come on now, you’re twisting my words!

Thomas, actually! And I’m not – I’m simply testing the meaning and validity of the words by putting them into a context. In this context, they don’t really hold up, do they? I mean, you of all supreme beings – not that there are any others, but if there were – you of all should be able to see how us stupid humans who can never understand you anyway often find your utterances to be ambiguous and absurd.

I put it the best way I could at the time I thought it up. It sounded really good then… but, yes, if I could change it, I would, but to what?

Try this on for size: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

Interesting. Let me digest that momentarily. Okay, I think I get it… but how would one human know how another human wanted to be done unto? As you rightly point out, you are all basically stupid.

That’s the cool part. They’d have to find out instead of assume. They’d have to get to know each other for who they really are and not through the blood-tinted glasses with the broken frames of bigoted religious beliefs that by their very nature are exclusive and divisive. Instead of wishing and praying, we could be learning and enjoying, accepting and exploring, getting a deeper understanding.

Like I said, stupid. You presuppose that humans know what’s good for them and can choose accordingly. They cannot. That’s why they need a Big Baddy to lay down the law wearing a glove of steel and velvet. They need my intervention from time to time.

What happened to free-will, daddy-o?!

(God shuffled his feet.)

© 2010 Wordwurst

THOU SHALT NOT 5

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.

That’s pretty sweeping, isn’t it? I mean, when, where, how, why, and for how long?

All the time. Anywhere. By showing them the respect and giving them the dignity they deserve. Because they created you – you owe them everything, including your life. Forever. Amen.

I see. That sounds like a fairly tall order, don’t you think? You also presuppose that a person should be grateful for being brought into this world, that it’s simply a given. But, did it ever occur to you that maybe some people don’t want to be sucked onto this planet and held down by gravity for a human lifetime? You make it sound as though the child is automatically responsible for its parents – their sense of respect and dignity – and somehow owes them its life. I don’t get that, Mr God. If it has to be that way at all, then why not the other way around?

What other way around?

Since the parents made a conscious decision (assuming that anyway) to have the child, and the child had no say in the matter, then doesn’t it stand to reason that it should be the parents who are responsible for the child and they, in fact, owe it their lives?

Do you have any children of your own?

Uhh – you got me there, Mr God. What do you mean?

I mean what I say!

I mean, is this a trick question or something?

What do you think I am, a magician or something?

Well, actually, yes, sort of. Aren’t you?

I am Everything and Nothing!

I won’t pretend to know what that means, but it sounds kind of cool. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that your question threw me a little because… well, you know… you know everything.

So?

Well, you do know how many children I have, don’t you?

Ridiculous and ludicrous! Since I know every hair on your head, how could I not know how many children you have?

Well, since you put it that way, yes, I guess it would be crazy… since you know everything and all. You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.

You’re losing me, son. Can you hurry this up?

Okay, I’m ready to wrap this one up, I think. I just want to make sure that this commandment applies to all children – which is to say, every person of every age – at all times. Can you speak to that for a moment, Mr God?

Yes, for everyone, at all times. That’s the point of these commandments, son – don’t you get it yet? This is the law I have laid down for you to live by. I gave you life in the first place. I am the decider!

Hey, did you just quote George Dubya Bush? You joker! That’s funny. I’m kind of relieved somewhat to find you have a sense of humor. I like that. That’s a likeable trait.

Oh, well, yes. Thank you. Please, carry on…

I’m just talking about when you smile like that – yes, that’s it, just like that! – you lighten up and there seems to be a softer, more loving God that comes to the surface, you know… kinda like Dubya – the kind of guy I’d like to sit and have a beer with, shoot the breeze and chill coolin’ in the suds, if you get what I’m sayin’…

Gosh, I… I don’t know… what to say…

Wow – who’d ever have thunk it? God speechless! Far out! Hey, are you blushing? Is that a little pink under that white beard?

Naaahh…

Oh, Mr God, are you crying? Soaking that bushy beard? It’s all right, you just let it all out now… but what is it? What’s making you cry like a Little Miss Sunshine who’s just lost the competition?

Nobody’s ever… well, treated me like this. You said you’d like to chill with me, like a friend, just hang. All I ever get is people asking me for stuff. And you know what sucks? They do it all week long, but come Sunday – my one and only day off – they really blast me out of it. Even if they offer me something, it’s always with some hidden agenda, you know. Like, Dear God, o deargododeargododeargod, I want to show you my adoration by staying off of chocolate this Lent. I shall do it in your name! It is a tremendous sacrifice – but, of course, what am I saying? – you already know that, don’t you? Anyway, hope all is well with you… and your… you and the angels. I’m about 3 stone overweight right now and if you could see your way to helping me shed the pounds, I’d be eternally grateful and would owe you even more adoration and praise and worship, as we move forward, you and I, olord, on the ground… crawling over lines in the sand, getting tired sometimes, redoubling our efforts… as we go into the future, hand in hand, and, sometimes, you carrying me when I cannot bear to go on due to thirst, hunger and imminent death darkening everything in its vampire-like black shadow, leaving only your footsteps in the sand… ad nauseum.

Oh, come on now, Mr God… here, use this handkerchief. I promise you it’s clean.

I already knew that.

Of course you did. And you know how you’re saying in this commandment – your number 5 in your Top 10 – that all children should always honor their parents, right?

I do. I am saying that. It’s what it says on the tin, isn’t it? Why’s it so hard communicating with you people?

Only you know that.

? –

So, if a child was brought up by parents who were neglectful, abusive, and without a shred of compassion or love in their bones, that child should honor them anyway – to hell with what they did, the way they acted, just honor them anyway, whether they deserve it or not – is that what you are actually saying… I mean literally?

I keep telling you, my son, I gave you free-will. People get to choose. And that’s more than what some of us get, if you get my meaning. Anyway, what kind of tyrant would I be if I didn’t give you free-will? You’d be like brain

dead zombies or robots or something. And what fun would that be?

That’s an interesting way of looking at it, I’ll give you that. And, on that very point, free-will… tell me, Mr God, when you think of the defenceless, small doll-like child being abused by some grown up human being, I’m just wondering, you know… where’s that child’s free-will?

It’s not that simple. I have a divine plan, you’ll just have to trust me on that. And even if I tried to explain it to you, you wouldn’t understand.

But, I thought you were omnific – that you could do anything you wanted to do.

I can. But, it gets complicated, you know?

I see that it does. You are all powerful and all mighty and yet you cannot explain to us humans in a way we’d understand what your divine plan is. Surely, the fact that you cannot do something negates the claim to be able to do anything, right? Anyway, am I to understand that your divine plan, the one that you dreamed up, designed and are right now manifesting into existence includes innocent children being raped and tortured by some of the human beings that… well, dare I say it?

Say it!

That you created. Since that’s what’s happening, then we can conclude that its part of your divine plan.

I work in mysterious ways! You cannot know my divine plan!

Why not?

Why not?! What? Preposterous and red-boiled lobsterous! We covered this, didn’t we? Do you have Alzheimer’s son?

Do I?

If I reveal my cunning plan and prove my existence then you would no longer have the wonderful gift – the gift I saw fit to bestow on you – of free-will. And look at the thanks I get! Ingrate!

So, I take it that you’re not going to answer my question about the little children… the little children who have to suffer to come unto you. What in the hell does that mean anyway? There’s so many things wrong with that sentence. Firstly, you decree that all the children must suffer? Why? Did you suffer? Are you just sharing the suffering? Trying to get us to carry the cross for your sins the way you made your (as far as we know) only son be tortured to death on two planks of wood stuck together?

I Am The Son! And The Holy Ghost, too! We are the Holy Trinity. We are three, yet we are one!

And I am the walrus, goo googa joob! So, to change the subject  here for a brief moment, and get back to it in even less time, isn’t suicide a sin? A whopper sized sin?

You can count on it!

So, if you are your son, then didn’t you kill yourself? Commit suicide, as it were?

You are my son, and you shalt honor me as you shalt your mother and father, but even more, and you shalt not try to be a smartass with me!

Gotcha, Big Guy! Guess you’re not going to touch that one – and I don’t blame you. I know I couldn’t defend it myself… but then again, you’re God, right. The Big G! You don’t have to explain anything to us. And we wouldn’t get it even if you did. Not because you failed to communicate effectively, but that we failed to understand you, stupid us!? So, before we go around in circles here, like dogs chasing their own tails –

Or licking their own balls –

Yes, okay, then, it could be like that too. Tell me, Mr God, what’s your number 6 in the Top 10 of All Time?… (Next blog: Thou Shalt Not Kill!)

© 2010 Owen Pardue

NOT TOO BAD

In my expensive but not extensive travels I’ve noticed in Ireland a grand fondness for a phrase that is right at the tip of most natives’ tongues whenever asked any version of the question: How are you?

Try it out for yourself sometime, and, like me, you may notice the answers are so striking in their similarity you can’t help but notice: Not too bad.

If you’ve grown up here in the land of the 40 shades of green, you’ll understand perfectly well what those three words mean. In a word, they mean fine, or grand. And for those who haven’t grown up here – foreigners, as we’re no longer allowed to say… but non-nationals, because that is somehow so much better, isn’t it? – that’s grand as in well, not as in large.

Presently in the Emerald Isle and as far back as I can remember (over 40 years of green ago), the words not too bad = fine. It’s one of those things one might attempt to describe as it goes without saying.

Me: I got the results of my blood tests just now… and the doctor says I all clear.

Bob: Well, that’s just not too bad, isn’t it? Congratulations!

BAD RULER

I wonder if it includes all fines? If so, one might say, I was parked illegally today and got a not too bad. An €80 not too bad. And the person your complaining to (even though you constantly ask rhetorically what’s the use in complaining?) says, well, that’s too bad, and, because he suffers with lice, starts running a not too bad tooth comb through his greasy hair.

Beneath the pleasant surface of this answer… well, it’s hard to know where to begin, or whether to just stop now. I’ll continue… if you… like. Yes, please, that would be just not too bad. Thanks for the vote of confidence and vibes of encouragement.

The first thing that struck me about this phrase not too bad was that it’s usually given in response to the question how are you? Hit my aural-drum all weird, producing a distant dissonance that made me want to howl like a dog.

There are not too many things we can say for certain about the things that people say… however, it can be said that when a person says something, that’s where (at least some of) her attention is. Saying the three words not too bad presupposes at least four things:

  1. It presupposes that, in saying not, there is the opposite of not.
  2. It presupposes that the speaker is describing himself (or her general life situation, or the current event) as bad
  3. It presupposes that it could be worse
  4. It presupposes that the speaker distorted the question from being one that was asking for a positive answer (as in I am this or I am that) and one that was asking for a negative answer

It suggests that perhaps those who use it measure the quality of their life with a ‘bad ruler’. Everything’s measured as bad, it’s just a matter of how much or how little. Answering in the negative is not strictly confined to the question regarding the howness of oneself. It is used in a variety of ways each and every day.

Here’s a typical phone call that takes place every couple of seconds in the city of Dublin in some business…

Bob: (Salesman by day, on the telephone speaking to a receptionist of a large, international, multi-million euro company) Hello, my name is Bob from ABC company. I was wondering if you could put me through to Paddy Murphy, please.

Rec: He’s not in.

Bob: Oh, well, could you tell me when he’ll be in next?

Rec: He’s not in today.

Bob: Hmm. I’ll just call back when he is… do you know when then might be?

Rec: He won’t be in at all this week.

Bob: I see. I wonder – can you tell me when next he’ll be in?

Rec: He won’t be in… until next week.

Bob: (Picks up double-barrelled shotgun, puts barrel in mouth, places finger on trigger)

This kind of negative speak is so alive and kicking in Ireland that it doesn’t take long before it blends into the background. Kind of like pubs – they’re everywhere, but after awhile, the novelty wears off and you hardly see them.

Ask someone why they’re doing something. You might ask your new internet friend why she’s chosen to go to Spain for her summer holiday this year and she’ll more than answer something like: It rains too much here.

Me: Why are you choosing to start this new job, Bob?

Bob: My last job just wasn’t challenging enough.

Coulophobia

Don’t get me wrong… or, better still, do get me right: I’m not saying that it’s wrong or bad or idiotic to measure everything with the ‘bad ruler’, or to be motivated by what you don’t want instead of what you do want. I’m just trying to understand the state of mind or mindset that would cause one to do that. Knowing what you don’t want doesn’t necessarily mean that you automatically know what you do want. Saying you don’t like straight lines does not mean that you like crooked ones.

I met Bob the first time when he came to see me in the hopes he could get rid of his phobia – fear of clowns. Our conversation went along the following lines, and I often look back in fear to think we may still be there, looping, if Bob hadn’t let his cigarette burn down between his stained fingers and jolt him out of the hilarity of his circularity.

Me: So, Bob, what’s the problem?

Bob: Don’t laugh. Fear of clowns.

Me: Why? Isn’t that funny?

Bob: Not to me.

Me: I understand. So, what do you want?

Bob: I just told you. I have a fear of clowns.

Me: Yes. And… what do you want from me?

Bob: I thought you helped people get over their phobias.

Me: Indeed I do. What can I do for you?

Bob: I don’t want this phobia anymore.

Me: Fair enough. So… what do you want, Bob?

Bob: Are you fucking with me?

Me: Is that what you think?

Bob: I don’t know.

Me: I’m only asking you what you want. Tell me…

Bob: I told you! I don’t want to have a fear of clowns anymore. Do you have a hearing problem?

Me: What? No, just kidding. Listen: Here’s how it works. You tell me your problem – that’s the thing you don’t want. Then, you tell me your outcome – that’s the thing you do want. Okay. Ready?

Bob: I don’t get it. Is it me?

Me: Are you Irish, Bob?

Bob: Why? What’s that got to do with any-

Me: Oh, nothing. Now, let’s be clear, I do know what you don’t want, all right? And if you’re ready, you can tell me what you do want, or not, whatever you like.

Bob: I hear the words you’re saying, hear the question, and answer your question… and, around and around we go. Well… I don’t know. I feel dizzy and confused.

Me: About what you want?

Bob: No! I know what I want.

Me: Excellent. Why don’t you tell me?

Bob: I have told you.

Me: You’ve told me what you don’t want. That’s not the same, is it?

Bob: I suppose not.

Me: Let’s put it this way – you don’t want to have a fear of clowns any more-

Bob: That’s what I’ve been saying!

Me: That’s right, you have. So, what do you want instead?

Bob: Why does my head suddenly hurt?

Me: That’s funny. Mine’s been hurting quite a while now. Anyway, take your time, think about it. What would things have to be like for you to… know that you had let go of that old fear and… put it in the past now?

Bob: My stomach feels funny, too.

Me: Laughter’s a funny thing. Would it be right to guess that you are going to… laugh now…

Bob: (Laughing like a loon) That’s it. Laughing! I’d be around a clown, maybe at a kid’s birthday party or at a circus, and I’d be like everyone else, laughing. Having a good time. That’s all.

Me: That’s all?

Bob: Yeah. That’s it.

Me: That’s it!

Bob: That’s what?

Me: That’s all we needed to go ahead and help you get rid of that old whatever-you-call-it was and, you know, be phobic free now.

Bob: That was easy.

Me: Compared to what? Ask me how much it’s going to cost.

Bob: How much?

Me: Not a little.

Bob: You’re weird!

All meaning is context dependent. There may be an example or two to disprove this assertion but I haven’t come across one yet.

These meaningless things people say (by which I mean grammatically and not otherwise as they do convey meaning to those in the know) go unnoticed for the most part by most people. Changing context really sheds a new light on things sometimes, eh?

Let’s try it now, shall we? Now, imagine I’m in a restaurant and Bob’s the waiter…

Me: How are you?

Bob: Not too bad.

Me: What’s on your specials menu tonight, Bob? (Bob holds down a number of jobs while he’s not levitating.)

Bob: Not spaghetti!

Me: (Guffawing into my napkin) That’s funny, Bob. But really, what have you got?

Bob: Not calamari!

Me: Manager!

Originating (involuntarily) from the USA, I often feel glad that we don’t have guns available to the public here in Ireland the way the yanks do. And sometimes I don’t.

The thing about being solely focused on what you don’t want (the problem you want to get away from) means that you don’t necessarily know what you do want, and it’s hard to get to an unknown destination, wouldn’t you say?

Having your attention fixed, for the most part, on the things that are not, the things you don’t want, the things that are only named by (what you think is) their equal and opposite number, and being driven to act with a map in your mind that is not of the territory you want to get to, but that of the territory you want to get away from – sure, it’ll be good for awhile, but ultimately, not good enough.

MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

May be as dangerous as driving down the highway with your gaze fixed in the rear-view mirror. If there’s a sudden alien visitation and a spaceship has landed in spitting distance, the fear that causes you to stay focused, jump in your car and take off like a bat out of hell is a powerful motivation and driving force…

and awonderful thing! – but just for a while. If you have nowhere specific to head for you end up slowing down and stopping in the middle of some cornfield because not seeing or hearing the aliens for a few minutes now leads you to believe that you’re out of harm’s way.

Away from motivation is fine for getting you started, as a catalyst, but what pays off is having a towards, somewhere you can aim yourself at and get to, and be able to know when you get there.

Am I saying that people who are toward motivated are better off than those who are away from motivated? Not necessarily. I’m just saying it might be more advantageous to be aware of the towards, too… at least as much (if not, definitely more) as the away from.

Which way are you motivated? Do you do things because you have to or because you choose to? Why are you choosing to read this blog? Take a moment to get an answer in your head.

To learn something new, to wile away some free time, to be entertained… anything like that is a toward.

To stop being bored, to get away from my non-stop talking mother-in-law, to take my mind off my depression… these are away froms.

It’s worth noticing what it is you are aware of and focused on in either case. Einstein supposedly said that your imagination (the pictures you run in your mind every day) is your preview to your life’s coming attractions. My NLP teacher wrote this on a flipchart: The best way to predict the future is to create it. Does it not stand to reason that if we create and run in our imagination the kinds of scenes and situations we don’t want, if that is what we put our attention on, that they will expand, as if our attention was a magnifying glass?

And just like a magnifying glass near a piece of paper, if you take your attention to a matter, you can never solve it (cause it to burn). Never! Unless you hold it still for a period of time. Focus!

There is another possible reason for why so many Irish natives say not too bad. They don’t want to say good or fine or great or super (except for John J!), or, for that matter, shite or crap or sad or suicidal, because that would be committing themselves, and we are, generally speaking, not keen on committing ourselves, are we not?

Also, if you answered the how are you question with I’m happy, it might upset the person you’re talking too, because you might be happier than him. Or it might be considered that you are boasting. If you say you’re bad, the other person might start poking you with the sharp ends of difficult questions. And that’s something else we are motivated to avoid – confrontation. I’ve seen grown men throw away careers and relationships rather than confront or be confronted. Confrontation is something we’d prefer not to confront, and as a result, is something we are good at not confronting.

BUT THAT’S NOT TOO BAD

‘So what? It’s a colloquialism, people say it, they know what they mean. What harm is there?’ Bob is curious, and it’s good to be curious.

No immediate or obvious harm, I’ll grant you that. But, the underlying mind-set – thinking in the negative all the time, in the what isn’t, always trying to move away from but not go somewhere specific… yes, it could do some harm.’

Picture a kid, say, 3 years old, playing at his daddy’s feet as his father chats with the neighbour he’s just made coffee for. The kid notices that his dad has left his own hot cup on the kitchen table and, wanting to be a good boy and get a pat on the head, he gets up on wobbly legs and teeters in the table’s direction. Bringing the steaming cup over to his father with a big smile, he is confronted with a sudden shocked look on his father’s features combined with a loudly barked command: Don’t drop the cup!

If you’re picturing it, you know what happens next, don’t you? Yes, the kid drops the cup. And who gets in trouble? The kid, not the dad. Someone should haul the dad off into the kitchen, give him a good slap on the wrist, and tell him that if he wants his son to do something it’s only right and fair that he tells his son what that is, not the opposite of what that is!

If you’re too lazy to make the translation for yourself, to figure out, now that you are aware of what you don’t want, what you do want, why shouldn’t anyone else be?

Bob: They should know.

Me: Know what?

Bob: What I want.

Me: In other words, since you’re not saying what you want, you expect them to read your mind?

Bob: Yeah!

Me: If they could do that, Bob, I don’t think they’d be around anymore. They’d probably be living it up on the island they just bought with all the money they made.

Bob: I’d buy my wife a car.

Me: Why’s that? She wants car?

Bob: We were talking the other day, you know? I asked her if I could do anything to make her happy.

Me: What did she say?

Bob: She said that there was nothing I could do to make her happy.

Me: And with a little mind-reading, you interpret that to mean that you should buy her a car?

Bob: Yes, it’ll make her life easier.

Me: And that will make her happier?

Bob: Of course.

DON’T REALLY TELL ME HOW YOU ARE

One person told me that the reason people use the not-too-bad stock answer is because they know that ‘you don’t really want to know how they are’.

Could this really be? I asked my friend if he was speaking from experience. He assured me he was. So, I went on by way of clarification, if you ask someone how they are, you don’t want them to tell you how they really are? No, he said cheerfully, do you? I didn’t know any more. It depends, I said, on whether the person I’m asking thinks that I’m asking the question for the sake of asking it but not interested in the real answer. Maybe I won’t ask anyone how they are anymore. It’s a plan, said Bob.

It is a plan – a plan that might help me avoid the following type of conversation ~

Me: How are you?

Bob: I’m not too bad.

Me: Oh, sorry to hear that. Hope you get better soon.

Bob: What?! Why did you say that? I said I was great.

Me: I misheard you. I thought you said you weren’t too bad.

Bob: Well, I did.

Me: Then I hope you get better soon.

Bob: I don’t understand…

Me: Ask me how I am.

Bob: Okay. How are you?

Me: I’m not a refridgerator!

Bob: Eh?

Me: I’m not a believer in fairies.

Bob: What? You don’t believe in fairies? Does that include angels? There’s this great new book called Angel’s In My Hair…

If somebody asks me how I am, I don’t know about you, but my natural reaction is to do just that, tell them how I am – excited, sad, tired, hopeful, curious, shite… whatever.

Bob: So, will you just not ask anymore?

Me: No. I will ask something. I’ll ask: How are you not?

If somebody asks me how I am, I don’t know about you, but I am at a loss to grasp why I would choose to tell them how I am not. Yet, it’s allthe rage here in Ireland. I am certain there’s some good reason for it, even though I cannot yet find one. It requires I dig deeper. Where’s my spade? Let’s dig deeper… let’s call a spade a spade.

Bob: What kind of car do you drive, Owen?

Me: Not a Citroen Dian.

Bob: So, what car do you drive, then?

Me: Not a Noddy car.

Bob: Why don’t you want to tell me? Is it a secret?

Me: What? Am I not telling you?

Bob: Isn’t that not what I just didn’t say?

And so on.

I feel funny now, too. As though I’ve tied myself up in metaphorical knots. I’m not going to keep writing. I don’t have to sit behind this desk on such a beautiful day. I’m not going to go to Stephen’s Green.

(PS: When I was out and about earlier, I asked people – How are you not? You won’t believe the answer I got over and over again: Fine!)

Confused? You will be. Tune in next time – same bat time, same bat channel… like, you don’t want to miss it!


ON THE GROUND

See the man in this picture? He’s levitating right now… but don’t worry, he’ll soon be back on the ground. (Except, of course, he isn’t really – he’s just a good example of what you too can do if you get good with photo-shop or somesuch package. Amaze your friends! Be the talk of the town! Stand out from the crowd! Wait – aren’t we told not to stick our head above the parapet or we might get it shot off!) This, by the way, is Bob – a very brave man. Or is it stupid? I get those words mixed up sometimes.

Like the previous saying we looked at in detail in the last blog, this ‘on the ground’ phrase (courtesy of the US Military), is also obvious and meaningless and like a virus, is spreading faster than the droplets of a sneeze! Its usage for the most part is what I call wordwurst (think liverwurst) and is a frivolous filler – a way for buzzword prone politicians and newspeak people to pad out otherwise utterly lame utterances.

Sadly, its usage is not confined to that group, I hear, as I listen to people talking on the ground.

Hear what I mean? Do some people really think that this sounds cool or smart or something? Let’s try it again without the phrase and see what difference it makes to the meaning of that sentence:

Sadly, its usage is not confined to that group, I hear, as I listen to people talking.

Did you hear that? Yeah, me, too – no difference whatsoever, only the simple fact that it was better, stronger, less confusing, less prone to being misunderstood. It also means that the few seconds I save having to hear and decipher the phrase I can choose to listen to something more… let’s see… intelligent, or interesting, or funny.

If I don’t say on the ground, it doesn’t make you scratch your head and wonder if the people I am referring to are perhaps not on the ground, does it? No, of course not. (If it does, your name is probably Bob. Hi Bob! Didn’t know you’d be reading this. Remember our last conversation?

NAME (BOB’S) HAS BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE IDIOTIC

Me: I took an hour off the other afternoon when the sun was shining and lazed around in the park watching the melting pot of Dublin City’s exploding population go this way and that.

Bob: These people you refer to… I noticed you didn’t say that they were on the ground.

Me: That’s right, Bob. I didn’t say that.

Bob: Well, where were you?

Me: In the park, just hanging out, people gazing as I like to do.

Bob: Fair enough, but where exactly?

Me: Oh, I see. In the circular centre area, you know, with the fountains and the grass you can’t lay or sit on.

Bob: Okay, fair enough. But I mean, are you on the ground?

Me: Yes. I was sitting on a bench. My feet were touching the ground… well, most of the time… does that count?

Bob: And the people, they were on the ground, too?

Me: (My gast was flabbered) I’m not sure… do you mean not on the ground as in floating, flying, levitating, hang-gliding, being sucked up into the open belly of a hovering spaceship…?

Bob: (Scratching head) Hmmm… I’m not sure what I mean.

Me: That makes two of us.

Is there a context in which one can use this phrase where it does mean something, where it does add something to the statement being made? As mentioned, as far as I can gather, this phrase came from the military where it is easy to see how it might be used appropriately. For example – a pilot might say (as might any other person who is flying on a magic carpet, floating on a gentle upsurge of balmy breeze, or levitating by harnessing the energy of the universe, and, if lucky, with a little hand from the hand of god) to his passengers, ‘Due to a fire on the ground, we will be delayed in our landing for at least another hour’. In this case, not stating that the fire is on the ground would almost certainly scare the passengers as they might jump to the conclusion that the fire is on the plane and bang their head into the overhead storage compartment.

The pilot could also say, ‘We’ll be landing on the ground in one hour.’ There’s nothing grammatically wrong with this statement… but, you’d be right in noticing that you’d probably never hear a pilot say that while up in the air. Why? Where else is the pilot going to land? We’ll be landing in one hour is succinct and sufficient.

This hackneyed phrase, although I’d been hearing it in the periphery for a few years, really caught my attention when I heard the late Gerry Ryan use it on his radio show. As I recall, he was talking to a ‘correspondent’ in LA about the recent arrival of David & Victoria Beckham who had gone there to make it their new home, or at least another one of their new homes. Gerry asked, something like, ‘So, how is it going for them? What’s the reaction been like. Tell us, what’s it like there on the ground?’ Oh boy. Come on, Gerry, I thought, you’re a learned man, why would you say that?

The correspondent was happy to talk at length and as I listened, I pictured him hovering above LA in a helicopter, looking down with a large and powerful pair of binoculars, describing the scene below. That’s when I thought – wait a cotton-pickin’ minute – this ain’t no war zone! – this guy isn’t hovering in a ‘copter! – what?! Again, in defence of brevity and accuracy, why not simply ask: Tell us, what’s it like there?

Maybe I’m guilty of giving people too much kudos in relation to their linguistic skills, but I’d bet that nobody listening would have wondered, if Gerry didn’t say on the ground, if the correspondent was floating, flying or levitating… well, except for Bob. (I could add, it goes without saying, but that would be another meaningless saying, eh? I mean, if it goes without saying, what are you saying it for? By saying that it goes without saying disproves the point that it goes without saying… don’t get me started!)

Come on, Owen, Bob said, what’s the big deal – why are you getting your knickers in a twist over this? It’s just a saying, a phrase, something people say… why take it so seriously?

After correcting Bob’s assumption that I was getting my knickers in a twist (as would be some feat since – it was a hot day remember – I was going commando at the time), and highlighting that the whole point of talking about these silly sayings was to poke fun at them and invite people to stop taking them so seriously, I told him that, in a way, it was a big deal, or more specifically, it was an example of something larger, and that larger something may indeed be a big deal.

THE BIG DEAL

It is not a big deal for someone to use this phrase or that – let ‘em say what they want – I’m all for freedom of speech and expression, no censorship, no suppression. (This, in my experience, leads to less repression, and in turn less depression. I mean, better out than in, right?) The big deal might be what it says about those who use the phrase, or any of the phrases this blog examines… on the ground moving forward. (Just kidding!)

I have no final conclusions on the matter and am still in consideration. I only have questions. The next time you hear someone use any of these meaningless sayings here in wordwurst, should you find your mind wandering, you might ask yourself:

Is the speaker using it by design or default? If by default (i.e. for no apparent reason other than not choosing not to), what does that say?

If by design, what exactly is his intended meaning for it?

Is he using it for padding, just to say more words, or because he thinks it sounds good?

Does he think it sounds good, or does he think that you think it sounds good and maybe, if you do, you’ll think he’s pretty cool or something – you know, hip, with-it, man, for tossing it so casually and confidently into his sentence?

Is he simply showing that he can act like a parrot? Does he hear things that he doesn’t think about and repeat them just because he can?

Is he the kind of person (whatever that kind is) who would happily and without a question, upon seeing those around him stick there hands in a fire and burn them badly, just go right on and stick his in, too?

If any of those possibilities were the case, what, in your mind, do you think that might tell you about this person? Would it be fair to surmise that he gives more value to the sound of what he says (and perhaps what he hears other people say) than he does to the substance, accuracy and meaning of his (or other’s) communication?

Now… if that’s what’s going on… I give you (unless you are Bob) kudos in your ability to figure out for yourself why that IS a BIG DEAL.

Do you remember when America made the huge mistake – for the second time (learning takes repetition) of voting Dubya Bush back into office? And after that, here in Ireland we suffered with the same stupidity-attack, and for a second time (learning takes paying attention and asking questions and gaining understanding) we voted Bertie and his gang of corporate hoodies back into office.

What’s this got to do with anything? Well, in both cases, on both sides of the pond, many voters said the same startling thing: I’ll vote for (insert name) because he’s the kind of man you could have a beer with!

Go figure! – all you people on the ground, as we continue moving forward into the future, I just said… and that goes without saying.

Next blog: #3 Not too bad…