Tag Archive: funny


DOUG’S FINAL ENTRY #2

Jeffrey: Doug, you again don’t know me, but that ok… you are too full of yourself. I don’t need to curse you, you do with your own mouth. You try to shock people but I’ve been berated by paid professionals. You just come up loud but inconsequential.

Bobby: It’s obvious Chuck, that if he didn’t want to hear the gospel, or hear the truth, he would be off doing other things. I think he wants salvation.

Doug: I do not want nor need to be saved. Shit – you’re dumber than a sack of dung. And your allusion to bondage only gives the game away. You dressed up and tied up right now, are ya, Chuck? Is Jon and Bob treating you like the unworthy piece of crap you are? Okay then… I’ll let you get back to it! Enjoy, kids, enjoy!

Bobby: You can fool yourself Doug, but you can’t fool God. You obviously want what we have.

Chucky: Doug, You are the one who is tied up in bondage and you don’t realize it. God commands you to repent and trust in the blood of Jesus Christ.

Doug: He must be omnipotent like you, Chuck, ‘cus no matter how much he commands, I just flip him the paw. Obviously, you caved to his commands.

Goodbye girls – off to snort some coke off a beautiful bitch’s naked ass, and then enjoy a night long orgy – a normal one, though, not the kind you girly-boys would be interested in. So, you pray for me, ‘kay? And, of course, I’ll think for you! Toodle-oooh! ;0)

Bobby: I think he bugged out.

Bobby: Will do Doug, and Remember, we love you and God loves you.

Chucky: You shouldn’t do that Doug. You should stay home and read your bible instead. For the 10th time. What would you give for your soul? A line of coke?

Jeffrey: Nah.. you sound like more the angry tweaker type. How long since you last slept. I’ll enjoy great sex with my wife and I won’t come home with any “Bonus Gifts”. Yes we will pray for you, don’t worry. You’re not the only one who was ever angry with God.

Chucky: Doug, You can snort all the coke in the world and sleep with every woman but your life will still be empty and meaningless. Unless you repent from your wickedness and trust in Christ your only purpose in life will be to glorify God on the day he pours his mighty wrath out you.

Stapp: whtf have u been getting into down there chuck!!!! i just read all these comments and im a little creeped out bro!!! haha

Doug: Was halfway down the road when I realised I forgot the box of sex toys these hot bitches go crazy for. Came back to get it and here you girly-boys still are, talking bat-shit crazy stuff to me even though I’m gone! I think that sums it up, don’t you? You may as well be talking into empty space for all the good you’re doing.

Bob, fuck you, I don’t want your love, okay. Give it to these bunch of repressed homosexicals, okay?

Jeff, the only great sex you’ll enjoy is when you jerk your two inch flaccid rodent dick to The Passion snuff movie for christian gays. Yeah, I know you’ll pray for me – that’s how outrageously stoooopid you are. I’ll think for you, kay?

And Chuckyboy – things between us were going along okay with you and me here for a while, but now that your group of fag hags have joined in struttin’ their junk, well… I just don’t know anymore. They’s all a bunch o’ angry-assed hate-mongering mind-raping sucker of satan’s and god’s and jebus’ and the spirit’s cocks! Tell ’em to keep dat kind o’ shit in church where it b’longs and you and I can get back to your deconversion, fair enuff?

Now, I must be off to float in the heavenly sea of pretty dog ass!

It’s been real! ;0)

Stapp: yeah i believe in god im catholic n shit but i don’t take it to that level!!!

Carap: dont throw your pearls before swine…

Jeffrey: read the above thread and it is very easy to see where the hate lies. Its refreshing to see the hate, Christ said it would and should be this way.

Doug: Chuck and the girls take it at every level, and take it in every orifice – don’t you Chucky-boy?

John, I used to be a Catholic myself… but, y’know, y’grow. I’m happy to hear that you haven’t become like these clowns, they give your god an even worse name than he already has. It’s people like them that made me what I am today. I guess, in a way, I should be thankful to them for that.

Thanks, girls – mmwwwhhaaah! ;0)

Cara – you solipsistic arsehole. They weren’t throwing their ‘pearls’ before you! And, if you confuse lumps of turd with pearls, you are dumber than an old fat sow!

You can all try to dress up your hate as much as you like – like lipstick on a pig – but you’re fooling nobody. Every right thinking person knows that you’re sad sack of shit of a make-believe god is a liar, fornicator, rapist (Yes – he raped Mary, didn’t he? I mean, come on, she was a good girl and she was with Joseph, and god, without even marrying her first, comes along and shags her senseless! What a perv!), murderer, encourager of paedophilia, incest, rape, torture, killing, stealing and overall general naughty shenanigans!

Do you really think you’re fooling anyone with this holier-than-thou – oooh! look at me I’m so self-righteous and gorgeous that god thinks I’m just fab and will do me a few favors for all my attempts at good PR! Freakazoids, the lot of you. But if you ever get over it, maybe we could be friends – no leashes attached, no threats of eternal damnation, ‘kay. You’ll be safe with me cuz I actually care about people, I don’t pretend to, like some. It is not your god, but me, who is man’s best friend.

Stapp: the only time u will see me in church is a wedding or a funeral or if im in jail i go just to get out of the unit!!! hahaha but thats it for me i just can’t get into it…

Doug: My master is a therapist, Jeff, and I’ve learned much while sitting at his feet when he works with clients. You saying that I’m the hater – it’s called projection. I’d suggest that you see a doctor, but I’d actually prefer that your head slowly caves in for the lack of brain matter to hold it up. And, you’re right about saying that it’s very easy to see where the hate lies. You mother’s are filled with it – it oozes from every sanctimonious pore of your swollen corpulent sluglike bodies. Invasion of the body-snatchers. Sorry, Jeffrey, but the aliens got you. Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault… :0)

Jeffrey: Do you still have your own teeth Doug, or has the meth-mouth set in yet? Picking at sores? Has your nose rotted out yet? Anyway… Have Fun you crazy guy you! You’re the one that said he was running off to do blow…

Doug: This canine has all his canines! How silly, Jeffrey – dogs don’t do meth. And that’s another thing – all you fuckers suffer a serious case of selective listening and a sad lack of a sense of humor! I said coke, not meth. The coke you’re doing must be very poor quality. I only do the best!

Sampson: Doug, you’re a testimony of who I could have been without the transforming Grace of God. Even an inconsistent, irrational atheist like yourself brings Glory to God. I just find it odd that you are calling us hateful, and yet you are the one launching all of the insults with no apparent intention of speaking as a mature adult dog.

I suspect the Holy Spirit is convicting you right now, drawing out an even more sinful and hate-filled response, but then again, that’s the natural response we sinners have to holiness – that is, until God chooses to remove our sinful hearts, and make us a new creature.

I’ll pray for you, Dog, that you don’t meet God’s wrath. It’s easy to breath out profanities against your Creator while there’s a breath in your lungs, but you too will cease to breath one day – no matter of arrogant boastful hatred will protect you from receiving Justice.

I don’t want that for you, and I’m sure Chuck doesn’t either. Repent, while you have time to do so.

Jeffrey: Now who’s a kidder… You’re anger is far more typical of a gak-fiend. Don’t be shy… we already know.

Doug: Good for you, John – you obviously still have a mind of your own. Which is a crime when it comes to these whining maggots and there mindless worship and following of an imaginary maniac. I wish you all the very best, John. It’s refreshing to speak to someone on here who is still sane. :0) Sampson – have you run out of ‘e’s?

Sampson: Owen, your comments here hardly demonstrate much sanity on your part. You just seem like a hate-filled sinner under conviction for his lifestyle.

Jeffrey: He’ll be back in a minute… he peeking out though the blinds.

Doug: Hey Sampson, if you have the time to do so, go fuck yourself. I am above you, not of you. You are mere mortal man. I am Dog!

Again, because you’re slow on the uptake, you scumbags just try to hide your disgusting filthy hatred behind platitudes and scripture while it is plain to see and hear that beneath the veneer you are a seething pit of evil vipers! There’s a saying you probably won’t understand: The meaning of your communication is in the response you get. Take a few days off to think about it, assuming you still have the ability to do so. Then, ask yourself, since this is the kind of response you get from enlightened humanitarians, what could the meaning of your communication about god and jebus and all that hocus-pocus fairy-tale nonsense mean?

And since it is a fairy-tale, does that mean you are a fairy? Nothing more disgusting than a fairy in denial judging a fairy who at least has enough balls to come out of the closet. Come on, Sam, it’s time. You can come out now. Stop repressing you’re latent nature. If Jebus were true, he was obviously a homosexual… so, if it’s good enough for him, is it not good enough for you?

I can look right into that black little heart of yours and see a flaming faggot just dying to burst forth and be free! It’s okay, Sammy baby, it’s okay. I won’t judge you like all those hypocritical party-poopers who call themselves christians but are nothing more than empty-headed charlatans. Don’t worry, it’ll get better! :0)

 Jeffrey: quick… check again… I’m sure I heard someone pull up…

Doug: That’s right, Jeff, let your mask down and show us all who you really are underneath your feeble pretence of piety… go on…

Sampson: Doug, you can’t present yourself as a voice of reason, or a loving alternative to Christianity when everything you post here is full of hatred and insults. Atheism is inherently irrational, perhaps that is what bothers you.

Doug: Oh, Sammy boy, the pipe, the pipe is calling! The only person trying to pretend he’s something he is not, is you – and the rest of your girly gang. You are an atheist, too. At least I’m not a scaredy-cat to admit it. Everything you post on here just shows that you have no idea what love or compassion is. Which is understandable – because the way you talk wouldn’t incline anyone in their right mind to show you love or compassion. You can go on pretending that the invisible mind-dildo loves you, if that makes you feel any better.

As for you, Flowery, maybe its time to lay off the jebus-juice. Paranoia seems to be annoyin’ ya. But remember, just ‘cuz you’re paranoid doesn’t mean that everyone isn’t out to get you. They are coming to take you away – ha-ha hee-hee ho-ho! To the funny farm. ;0)

Jeffrey: ‎”because the way you talk wouldn’t incline anyone in their right mind to show you love or compassion.” Doug… truer words have not been spoken.

Doug: Finally, we agree on something, eh? Who’d a thunk it?

Jeffrey: yes but I’m talking about you… 🙂

Doug: I know you think you are. But I also know how to read between the lines (subtext) and get who you’re really talking to. Its okay, your secret is safe with me. Now that you’re beginning to ‘fess up to the truth, you just might be okay some day. Miracles don’t happen, but people can change. Fingers crossed.

(tbc…)

© 2010 Wordwurst

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RK Can you believe that there is a protest in Ireland today where all women are asked not to go to mass to protest that there are no female priests! Dont think that will get much support…anyone under fifty generally does not go to mass anyway and anyone over fifty is completely against woman priests!!! Ahhh you gotta laugh at these feminists though…

RMcA They must have nothing better to do!

TtT they should stay at home cooking and cleaning if they have nothing better to do LMAO 😉

FH I say your wall under 50 and going to mass.i’ve lost faith in the Irish and world church.i’ve sold my stock in it and now all my stock is in islam.

OM Why would any woman in Ireland want to be a priest? I dont’ get it!

RK Exactly Rita! O, I do not know why any woman would want to be a priest, especially with the state of the church in Ireland. Every day there is some new scandal.

OM That’s what I mean! Why would anyone want to belong to such a sick, corrupt organisation? Why don’t these women get together and form their own religion – one where they leave the goddamn kids alone! 😉

JK I NEVER LOST MY FAITH. HAS I ALL WAY SAY NEVER LOOK ON ANY ONE UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO PICK THEM UP

OM I’m not sure what that means, John…?

JK MY FAITH IS IN GOD ONLY, IF PEOPLE HAVE NO FAITH THATS GOOD TO

OM Weird – my last comment seems to have disappeared for some reason.

John, I was just sayng that maybe you don’t know that your caps lock is on. I was asking if you think it’s a good thing for people to believe in things they do not have evidence for? Is that not a fair question for me to ask? If it offended you it wasn’t my intention. I apologise for being curious about and interested in your faith. I’ll just shutup then. Cheers!

JK dont worry take care all

FH In the muslim world their is no pedofiles Because they be stoned to deat if they did anything to a child.

OM Fionn – you’re a funny guy and are obviously joking! It is my understanding that the so-called Prophet Muhammed married a 6 yr old girl named Aisha and had sex with her when she was 9. My muslim friend told me yesterday that a muslim man can marry a girl of any age and can have sex with her when she reaches puberty – whatever age that may be. With that in mind, do you really think this is something you should be joking about? Just curious. But, go ahead, ignore me – most people who cannot argue their position usually do!! 😉

FH That’s in poor area’s of muslim’s country’s like in some parts of nigera and some place’s like that.

KG Feres Querine Intellituim – Faith seeking understanding . We are born with Faith ,its the seeking to understand . The existance of God is in our Children and Animals ,for they too have no voice but yet contain the mystery of Gods existance…. Many Theologians have stood before a pope and aurgued against the Hiearchy of one Branch of a Church . The Roman Catholic Church is there to show us what not to do . Leonardo Boff Theologian of Latin America wrote a 26 page Letter to the Vatican 2 Council of 1962 stating that a church must come from grass roots up and Not from the Sky Down . This is called Liberation Theology . would one attend a celebration of The Eurchurist if priest had family and was married ? Today marks the end of Patriarchal cycle and marks the beginning of The Matriarchal . For nutrance in order to find the understanding of your faith . Another question upon death do you want a priest to give you your last rites , to stand and hold ceremony to your passing in order to comfort your loved ones who mourn ? This is a tradition of Faith of which all celebrate the faith that dwells inside us ,no matter what domain it is . With the Ordiance of Nature as we are all part of and can not depart from only in death . Has this wonderous Majestic genius design planet no creator ? In the 15th Century Bible Mary Magdeline was removed by the Roman Catholic Church as Jesus partner . A Dei Verbertum letter does exsist stating the Church wanted to control women’s lives . The RC has died and a resurrection like Jesus death has come again proven of GOD’S exsistance . The following of women in to the Priesthood is the union of Mary and Jesus . Dan Brown may have written a book about it ,but he did read the Bible of 15th Century . This Morning I listened to the Gospel of which it is Jesus you recognise his true Servants of his word . And will close the door on those who do not serve him . I am a woman I am studying Theology ,I am a Catholic who attended Mass and celebrated the Holy Eurchrist with two Priest’s who followed their hearts and got married . They serve the word of God and from them I hear it . Now having said all this would you want to see me celebrate with you ?

Tim O’ Donoghue You say it all there K!! Very impressive argument!!

OM Hi K, just wondering about you saying we are born with faith. Do you mean every single person? I wasn’t. Nor many people I know. I didn’t have it then, don’t have it now. Since the Roman Catholic Church is there to show us what not to d…o, well, I guess you mean that literally -for example: we should not rape and torture people, especially children. I guess they’re showing us what not to do in this area quite a lot. Is Liberation Theology an oxymoron? How can you be free if you are a slave? Nutrance – what’s that? I will definitely not choose to have a priest or any so-called ‘holy’ person giving me anything when I die… so, where does that leave me? You ask if the world has a creator and still nobody yet has any proof either way – so, the most honest thing anyone can say is: I don’t know. I guess that’s where believing something without evidence comes in. To answer your last question – no, I wouldn’t care to see you or anyone celebrating whatever it is you’re talking about (you really lost me with what you said because it simply makes no sense in a grammatical way, and, unfortunately, that’s all we’ve got here in writing). What I’d like to know from someone who claims to know the mind of god (that supposedly god itself said we could not!) why it is that with everyone praying and prayer working sometimes, getting god to intervene on our behalf, he hasn’t yet decided to stop the priests (and other pedarests) from raping and torturing children? I wish someone would tell me a good reason. The well is full of pennies. I hope you can help – being a catholic studying theology and being friends with two men who follow a book that calls their nature an abomination and all. Sincerely, O 😉

KG I apologise as I too am on a journey of seeking to understand my Faith . If you and I traveled around the World . Each culture has a Book that has been handed down by the Past . Collective they talk about Faith . From Ancient Egypt right up to the present Humankind writes about how they start with ‘Reason ‘ logic explainations of what we see . Yet this yerning craving as you put it to see God ( to which in theology regarded as proof of your faith existance ,because you called God ,God and not by any other name ) your questioning is also showing the birth of your Theology ‘ talk of GOD’S word . So there is the presentation of your faith born inside you . You question god therefore you are seeking an understanding . Philosophy Reason came first followed by Theology . Both are attributes of Human making being a reality . Your reality is you and your essenance . Child Abuse is a crime againist God exsistance here on earth . The fact that the truth behind these crimes never went away . Means for me that the Wrath of God came from those who lied and covered up . The Roman Catholic Church do not represent the Holy Covenant . For the lies and deceit has shown us the Moral Evil , to which we have come to known . There is no fitting punishment on this Earth that will give us Justice . The Holy Covenant is not the wine and bread which we where led to believe . It is the people . The second Coming is not in what this Hiearchy have said . It is the people who have seen the true identities of Christ , buddha muhammad all the Prophets and Saints . I too have here expressed my deep anger towards this false Church . Because of 3 of my family Members where Raped in Letterfranc and Goldenbridge . Yvonne ,Billy and Vincent . Yvonne & Billy Committed Sucidie and my cousin Vincent faced the Moriarty Tribunal alone. My Family & I sat by his side as we looked on powerless and watch a 43 year old man in agony cry as a priest stood up pointed at him and yelled Liar . I stood up and shouted you are the liar of which you lied to God therefore he will shut his door on the imposter . O you are the living embodiment of God .I am we all are . Parents who have children sacrifice their lives by clothing educating loving their Children that is tradition of Faith . Our sOuls are with us noone can take it away . As a woman I want to be able to particpate in knowing that my reason has the accomplishments of my faith . O when I look around and see death ,pain decay violence I stop Campaign and pray for it to end . My prayers for the lies of the Church for me where answered . I am here , we are the Holy Covenant are here . I want peace . For the anger is killing me . I am considering the priesthood and Marrying have children . In honour of my dead relatives . Never put yourself down O by calling yourself an idiot . Just take your power back and spread Peace .xx Happiness is the key for me . I attended a funeral of which nothing was done or said not even a toast to my aunts memory . It was very depressing and extremely lonely . you have your freewill to do whatever you wish at your funeral.

OM Thanks for taking the time to write that. By this logic, am I to take it that when a friend of mine talks about his belief in aliens and I ask him about that, that is the presentation of my faith inside me? My faith in the existence of aliens? I’m confused. 😦

KG O there are Societies organisations that gather and talk about their faith of aliens existance . When you attended your friends gathering or his talk about it . Give respect But you have the right too in regards to discussing your faith . I too have met people of different faiths . But R status was about  women becoming priests and those who protest . Which is why we have Protestant faith to which they are christians who Protested agianist the ROMAN Cathoilc Church 15th Century on two things , viginity of Mary and why Women should join the Ministery of Faith.. I too have met people of different faiths . But R status was about women becoming priests and those who protest . Which is why we have Protestant faith to which they are christians who Protested agianist the ROMAN Cathoilc Church 15th Century on two things , viginity of Mary and why Women should join the Ministery of Faith.

O Marshal ‎$cientology, invented by an alchoholic drug-addicted science-fiction writer, talks about Xenu the Evil Emperor getting rid of his overpopulated planet by taking the people on planes to earth and dropping them into volcanoes where their spirits rose up out of their charred bodies and attached themselves in clusters to the human race and are as a result the source of all our problems and when we ‘clear’ ourselves of these thetans we’ll all be happy and living in peace together. Are you really saying I should ‘respect’ this ridonkulous idea? Do tell… 😉

K Golden Every one has free will to stay or leave . Makes a great episode for Star Trex ? God bless Gene Rodenberry . The main Thesis to R Status . Would the Church Support women priest . I am considering . Protesting by Boycotting has its advantages and disadvantage . Question remains would one attend Mass if the priesthood was of equal gender ? Question is directed at those who believe in the Christian faith . O please stick to Rosiemarie Status and not pass judgement on peoples faith .

K Golden I leave with a quote from a Man who proclaimed to be a Failed artist on canvas but has become art ,he was crucified as the first westerner ,a Drug Addict ,a Prostitute , A Dandy , Wittist author of ‘ Dandy in the Underworld ‘ a son ,a husband , a Lover a Gentleman . A loyal friend . ” I am a poet , I do not create poetry , God Creates I assemble” Sebastian Horsley . 1962 – 2010 RIP

OM I thought you said earlier something about respecting another’s religion/faith, which is why I asked the above question about Scientology. You have not answered. You now switch it to not judging people’s faith. Okay, I have the same question about that: are you saying that I shouldn’t judge the faith of Scientology based on the unproven and fantastical ideas they believe in? If I do not judge it, how can I decide whether I want to follow it or not? Do you see why I’m confused by your proclamation? If I don’t judge any faith, how do I choose which faith to have faith in? I would be grateful if you’d just answer this one question as you have not answered any of them so far, and without any answers I feel this is going around in shallow circles. Thanks for your patience.

KG you called it ridiculous that is not judging that is passing judgement in a prejudgement manner . To seek understanding a Faith . Start with ok I am born with Faith . Through Philosophy & Theology . Philo Sophia lover of Wisdom . I will read the Theo logius . Their logic perspective on their written word of God . Through that by using what I inherited at birth Faith in Seeking Understanding .. What has been written talked debated practised and finally believed in . In order to complete the circle of which you travel . ” I can never find the limits of my soul , no matter how many roads I took , so deep is its Mystery ” Heraculitus . Happy travelling . 

OM You say calling it ridiculous is not judging. Then go on to say that it is passing judgement in a prejudgement manner. Which, I think means, that you are making the judgement that I prejudged Scientology – judged them before I knew about them. I don’t know what may have given you that idea. I am a veritable expert on the cult of Scientology and there is nothing prejudiced in my comments. Yet again, K, meaning well as you do, you haven’t answered me in any understandable way. Maybe it’s just that I’m not used to reading lines of words with full-stops thrown in at random, and as a result, not one sentence making sense. So none of this was in vain, do you think you’d be so kind as to simply say yes or no to the following questions: Are you saying I should respect ALL religious beliefs – no matter what they are? Are you saying I should not judge ANY religious beliefs – no matter what they are? I’d be truly grateful if you could succinctly clear this up for me. Thanks. O

KG O read Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift . And yes are pre judging all of religion’s and their tradition’s . That is how you are confused . Go down to Middle Abbey Street and tell the Sciencetologist what you just said about them .Go… to Milstreet School of pHilosophy, Go to the proCatherdral Church and tell them to their face what you think of them . Go to Meath and tell the Budhist was you think of them . Go down to the South Cicular road and tell the Muslims what you think of them .Go to Rialto Canal and tell the Rabbi what you think of them . Go to Fairview and tell the Vicar what you think of them . Go to Parliment Street and tell the propietor of House of Astrology what you think of them . Go to Clonegal and tell Lady Olivia what you think of her in the Temple of Isis . Go to Lahinch and tell John Mac Carthy what you think of clare Evangleist Church . Go to where ever Doreen Marron is reading Tarot cards and tell her what you are thinking . And when you have finished travelling . Remember this you, have not left this Island and yet you have travelled through 2 milleniums of tradition’s of Faith . Have a cup of tea sit on a rock and realise Hey I am alive to do all that . All that I ask is that you do it with a happy heart and not an angry one .

OM Again, thank you for your words. And thank you for answering me. I’m not sure how we got to you judging that I have pre-judged all religions and even Tarot card readers and so on. Reading back over these writings I cannot find that anywhere. I did all my research about Scientology and gave my judgement on them. You have answered my question about religion, I think – and say that I should not prejudge them. Are you specifically saying that even after I’ve checked into and researched one of them I am still not allowed to judge them negatively?

KG no O you make your mind up if you like or dislike stay or walk away . I mentioned all those domian of Fatih Cause I walked that road . Have chosen Old 5th Century Catholism where Priest are allowed to marry . latin masses too . Atheism is a tradition of faith too . Lol forgot about that one .

OM Great. I’m so glad we sorted that out. You do think I am within my rights to judge. Whew! Now, sorry to have to say this, but Atheism is NOT a faith. If I do not believe in a supernatural god like you do, it does not require faith. If that …were the case, then my disbelief in leprechauns and unicorns would also be a faith – and as we both know, that would be ridiculous. In fact, it would mean that I had thousands upon thousands of faiths because there are so many things I don’t believe in. Since I am an Atheist I would kindly ask that you not spread the erroneous propaganda that Atheism is anything more than not believing is something unprovable. However, you are free – as you know – to do as you choose. I just don’t want you to look really silly if you say that around any thinking person. LOL! 😉

KG oh but it is once there are more than one and if you look thru history fairies leprechaun Ghosts gobblins where believed Vampires .there is no escape from passing from reason to faith . It is all down to communicating . How did that Theolo…gy of non existance of God come about . Through a writer who thought about God wrote about it in a very Theologian Mode of discourse .” I do not believe in the existance of God” yeah but you had thought about him in order to disowned and you with your basic human curiosity thought about it too . Faith Seeking Understanding . And I am not a fool nor afraid . That you and I are the source of inspiration to all of Talk on what is occupying Our time on earth . By the way I may say and have the right to say . Priest’s ordained in the Roman Catholic Church of which there is thousand’s doing great work and innocent . Only 80 have been named . The downfall is their cover up on these 80 criminals . O you have a good life and wish you all the best in the world . God bless

OM Thank you, K. And may the Lord of The Pixies sprinkle you with magic poof dust and bless you! Be well! 🙂

In this day and age, anybody who thinks that they know what clichés are automatically assumes that everyone else does, too. The fact is – injurious to some as it may be – a vast minority of the world’s population would not be able to give a satisfactory definition of the word if asked. And, to add insult to injury, this is a very unsavoury situation indeed. However, it would not be better left unsaid.

To find a person who could tell you what a cliché is you would most likely need the accompaniment of either Dame Fortune or Lady Luck, or both, as people of this status are few and far between.

In the not so distant days gone by (previous to my seeing the light of day), I was immediately put in mind of knitting whenever the word cliché was mentioned. Needless to say (no, that’s a pun!), that condition has been corrected. Maybe I thought it was a type of stitch, perhaps a pattern – possibly even the knitting needle itself, retrospectively speaking. But the fact remained: I did not know what a cliché was. And as much as I hate to admit, I speak straight from the shoulder.

As luck would have it, I recently found out that clichés have nothing whatsoever to do with knitting, and vice-versa. This newfound knowledge found me last Tuesday night at the writer’s workshop I attend. I was extremely embarrassed by the ignorance of my cliché-related foregone conclusion – that goes without saying. But not as embarrassed as I might have been, thanks to a question put forward by an elderly gentleman. Rabbit hutches were the main topic for discussion when the aforementioned man asked what a rabbit hutch was, exactly. His errand of mercy enabled me to beat a hasty retreat, and being on the ball, I managed a miraculous escape from the bright and shining faces just in the nick of time… and, believe you me, I was none the worse for wear. Anyway, to cut a short-story even shorter, the man found out what rabbit hutches are. Better late than never.

Subsequent to finding that clichés and knitting are not related in the slightest – and being of a curious nature – I decided to track down the answer to the urgent question: What is a cliché, then?

Words fail to express how this task was easier said than done. This single and semi-precious piece of information I would like to impart to anyone who is in the same predicament I was, cost me some supreme sacrifices and superhuman effort. Needless to say (yes, now it’s a cliché!), I threw caution to the wind, stayed up till the wee small hours of the morning and now I’m white as a sheet. But, being busy as a bee and burning the midnight oil paid off in the long run.

Slowly but surely, after the discussion on rabbit hutches met its untimely end, our instructor instructed us to have an article written in a fortnight – either topical, seasonal or informative. Since I had no theme in mind – and my knowledge of seasons is strictly limited to parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme – I came to the conclusion that my article would have to be informative. I thought this idea to be a diamond in the rough. I could write an article and at the same time save some people the embarrassment and queer consequences I met with due to my ignorance. I could kill two birds with one stone by clearing up the confusion clinging to clichés. Clichés cannot be considered conspicuous by their absence, on the contrary, it is their very presence that wraps them in mystery.

As you might have guessed, the first place I looked for the answer was in the dictionary. Because I did not know the correct spelling of the word, I was immediately confronted with a problem. I asked the nearest person to me at the time – an ex-priest – how to spell cliché.

He said, ‘K-L-E-E-S-H-A-Y, do you agree?’

I agreed to disagree and thought I’d push my luck further. You don’t happen to know what a Kleeshay is, do you, ex-father?

‘Indeed I do, my ex-son!’ he said. ‘It’s a type of dish – rather like a soufflé.’

I put his information to the acid test and checked it out and the closest word it had was Kleeshee – which is a small suburban area in Scotland. I could see that I was not coming along in leaps and bounds in my investigation. I thanked the ex-priest who told me to cease in my untiring efforts as all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I told him my name was not Jack.

Call a spade a spade,’ he muttered.

I waved a farewell.

A woman in the street who looked to me to be of good personality and intense intelligence, was my next target. Could you please tell me how to spell cliché?

‘Do you mean cliche as in the impression made by a die in any soft metal, or, an electrotype or stereotype plate?’

Her French accent confused me and I admitted to being acluistic.

‘No matter,’ she said, rather Frenchly, ‘it is spelt: C-L-I-C-H-E.’

 Thank you very much an bwaynos deeass, I said, and went off to consult my common or garden variety type dictionary. After finding that the lady was perfectly correct, I turned green with envy, but felt hale and hearty because my hectic weekend was over. It was a festive occasion indeed.

There was, of course, a skeleton in the closet, as it were. Cliche had yet another completely different meaning. The book I was researching called it, (amongst other things): stereotyped or hackneyed saying or phrase, for example, thick as a brick. Adjectives – cliché-ridden, clichéd. I turned white as a sheet as the realisation of my fatal deed set in. I figured I’d have to turn over a new leaf, start afresh, begin anew, and all that jazz. It seemed I failed with flying colours. So, pouring a long, stiff drink, I drowned my sorrows.

But, like all happy endings, there was light at the end of the tunnel. The book loaned me the legend: Cliché’s tend to interfere with good writing. However, there was an ‘although’. The ‘although’ was this: They should be employed if ultimately necessary. Those words made me happy as Larry!

Last but not least, here’s some food for thought: a famous writer once said something similar to this: The difference between the correct word and a word that will do, is the difference between lightning and a lightning-bug. I believe it was the late, great Mark Twain who bestowed us with these wise words… or, on second thoughts, was it Samuel Longhorn Clemens? I’ll have to investigate this further. But no matter who said it, I’m sticking to it till the bitter end!

The Sweet End.

© 2010 Wordwurst

TOUPEE OR NOT TOUPEE?

Sitting at a wobbly table in the IFI, engrossed in a free copy of The Irish Times, my attention is snagged by a tall, middle-aged man wearing a wig so outrageous as to be hilarious and simultaneously vomitous!

It’s almost impossible to swallow the fresh mouthful of hot puke ascending while laughing like a loon, but somehow I manage.

‘Is this seat taken?’ Gadzooks! It’s the man with the fake matted mullet on his oversized head. With a strained smile on tightly shut lips and a second upchuck of sick rising in my gorge, I struggle to respond.

After a big swallow, I ask, ‘If that seat was taken it wouldn’t be there, now would it?’ and chortle nervously. I wasn’t happy to be interrupted in such a shocking manner – eyes, and now nose, assailed by horrid things.

‘Does that mean it’s free?’ Mr Toupee doesn’t seem to get the humor, and I wonder how a man wearing a joke on his head can be a no-comedy zone. Delusional men who wear bad wigs are walking targets for joke-grenades – everyone knows that. So, what’s wrong with this guy?

Nobody tells him…

‘I wouldn’t think so. I’d guess it would cost at least €30. The price of sitting down thesedays… scandalous!’ I try to make it obvious that I am kidding him by wearing a big old shit-eating grin on my face and winking as though there’s something caught in my eye. In a manner of speaking, there is: something caught in both my eyes. The skanky roadkill on his dome gives the impression it will come back to life any minute, and peel itself from his head before limping away to hide under the first rock it finds.

‘What I mean to ask,’ he presses on in a pleasant and serious manner, ‘is if it would be all right for me to sit there.’ I can’t help notice the dirt under the index finger of his right hand as he points. It’s black. My skin crawls.

‘I bet you can sit anywhere you like.’ I’m right. He can and does. And with him much closer now, a mere dozen or so inches away, I am afforded a close-up view of his rank rug, dead-rodent-like, decaying on his head, just as a whiff of pong so malodorous as to cause my nostrils to snap shut all by themselves and my mouth to pucker up as if a lemon’s been plunged in it.

As I fight off the urge to faint, I feel an anger rise up. You are free to wave your arms around madly, an inner-voice says. But when you hit someone else, you take away their freedom! Yes, that’s right isn’t it? And when I’m sitting drinking coffee reading the paper minding my own business do I not have a right to NOT have to look at a yellowish/greenish/grayish fibrous mess threatening to jump off someone’s head… NOT to have to be slammed with a wall of stink so hard that consciousness slips away?

There is a law against noise beyond a certain level – so why not apply the same logic to our other senses? Fashion Police to stop the toupee faux-pas (as well as the fat girls in lycra pants, gut hanging out proud, every curve, crack and crevice on show so that you can actually lip-read if you dare to focus!) and Odour Police to take out the stinky people – you know the ones: the labourer you get stuck standing beside on the Dart who raises his hand to hold the ceiling-bar and you end up with a moist and minging pit in your face; or the pretty girl behind the cash-register in some store who causes curvature of the spine when she opens her halitosis-ridden mouth to tell you the cost of the mints you just dropped; or the drug-addict who sits beside you in a hamburger joint, and after you realise that the smell you’re getting isn’t coming from your meal, you conclude that the guy with the disconnected eyes hasn’t used toilet-paper in weeks!

Incensed by my internal dialogue, I tear my eyes away from a tiny white something – like a small piece of rice – that seems to be moving, albeit slowly, in a threadbare area above his temple, and unable to contain myself any longer, consider what I will say to this shambolic scarecrow at my table.

I often moan and complain about people who moan and complain about things but never do or say anything. I know all about it because I am one of those people: too confused about politeness or being offensive to actually stand up and say what I believe. To moan and complain to those who I have a problem with – that’s my goal in this life. If only it were as easy as keeping your mouth closed!

I think about saying something sarcastic… ‘You know, that wig you’re wearing is so real looking, I bet it fools everyone!’

‘Why thank you, young man.’ The smile he cracks reveals mossy teeth, most of them missing. ‘As far as I know, everyone thinks it’s my very own head of hair.’

‘Oh yeah, sure… you would’ve had me fooled, too, if you hadn’t sat so close,’ I patronise. Part of me kind of feels sorry for this guy, not that that’s ever going to do me or him any good. A much bigger part of me wants to slap the wig from his head and tell him to wash because there’s a whole wide world out there that can see and smell! Yeah, my internal dialogue goads, why should you give a damn about him or his feelings when he obviously has no respect for anyone else’s. Yeah.

‘I’d like to stab a guess at something, okay?’

‘All right.’ A whimsical look passes over his face.

‘You don’t have any friends or family, do you?’

He thinks for a moment, as if counting in his head. ‘No. I don’t. How did you know that?’

‘Listen: Can I be a friend for a minute? I mean, can I tell you something that a friend or family member would tell you if they truly cared about you?’

Again, he thinks momentarily, this time as though trying to understand a language he has mostly forgotten. ‘I bet you can tell me anything you like.’

‘Okay. Here goes. Ummm… Do you drive?’

‘Only when golfing,’ he says enigmatically.

‘Well, you know how, like when driving, we all have a blind-spot? Things we cannot see about ourselves that others can?’

‘I think so. Yes. Go on.’ He seems eager for me to get to the point.

‘It’s about your wig. I was just being sarcastic when I said it was convincing. I meant it was the opposite. It makes you look like a sad git with bad judgement and no friends and family.’

Mr Toupee processes this information for a half minute before asking why it makes him look like he has no friends or family.

‘Because, one would assume, if you had any they would be kind enough to let you know that your toupee is ridonkulous and talk you out of wearing it.’

‘Oh,’ he sighs, forlorn, and looks vacantly into his lap. Now’s the time to put the boot in. Best time to kick a man is when he’s down… and it is for his benefit. Cruel to be kind and all that.

‘Also, they would, if they had a modicum of a sense of smell, inform you that the odour that emanates from you is reminiscent of a used airline sick-bag stuffed with green-tinged chunks of rotting chicken that just passed through the loosened sphincter of a recently-dead Indian man!’

‘American Indian or real Indian?’

‘That’s not the point! Aren’t you getting this?’

Mr Toupee nods gently. ‘I think so. Basically, you are telling me that my wig looks ridiculous and I smell bad. Am I right?’

‘Yes, that’s it in a nutshell.’ I begin to feel even more sorry for him: a thing I don’t like to do for another because I hate for another to do it for me. But I can’thelp it. That forlorn look is back – all over his face like a rash. He leans forward, puts his face close to mine and whispers.

‘Thank you very much, sir.’ His voice is weak and shaky. Surprised by his response, expecting him to give me a dirty look and leave at best, I smiled and told him he was welcome.

‘Oh thank you, thank you, thank you,’ he carried on, dropping to his knees in front of me, hands clasped together at his chest as if praying to me… or worse, worshiping me… ‘thank you for being my friend, for being my brother! You have revealed great truths to me that I was to blind to see. You cared enough for me to bother to explain it. You must have such affection for me – you are my friend. My very best friend! – ‘

I am aware that not only of Mr Toupee’s eyes but that all eyes in the place are on me in this moment. I enjoy surreal in movies and pictures but up until now have never sat in the middle of it. My vision wanders all over the place, blurring colors and shapes, until they come to rest on a bottle of ketchup that has fallen over on its side when Mr Toupee bumped the table falling to his knees. It is dripping ketchup… but ever so slowly. The colour looks redder, saturated somehow… the consistency thicker… the smell so strong it takes over the insides of my nostrils in a highly unpleasant way… and I have to look away.

My eyes come to rest on a tiny white something – like a small piece of rice – that seems to be moving – wait! I remember this. The tiny white rice-like thing that really is moving, but like the red sauce, exceedingly slowly. It is, I now know, a louse! And as I have this thought it stops, stares me in the eye, and then launches itself into the space between us. In my periphery I take note that a dropsical of ketchup has also disconnected from its home and is heading south. My attention swings back to the tick: its getting bigger as it grows closer…

A sudden knowing infuses me and I relax in an instant. It’s all been a daydream. Must’ve been too much caffeine. I will blink and upon opening my eyes, find myself where I started: Sitting in this café beside a foul-smelling man wearing a head carpet, me staring at a fat louse moving around above his right ear. I begin to blink, closing my eyes (noting the still falling ketchup, the still growing bigger louse looming)…

and know that I will not being saying a word to him about his head or odour. No, I will be leaving immediately. Leaving it up to someone else to tell Mr Toupee what’s going on. Why should I be the one to speak up and say something? There’ll be someone else more understanding and articulate than I, surely…

eyes begin to open… and just a nano-second after the ketchup hits the floor, splashing like a drop of blood, the louse lands on the flat of my left eyeball, causing it to close belatedly as everything returns to normal speed and I find myself on my feet, rubbing frenziedly at my eye and making a sound that I’ve never heard before.

‘Thank you!’ Mr Toupee was starting to drink from my coffee cup as I staggered half-blind out the door. Fuck it! He can pay for it!

© 2009 Wordwurst