Tag Archive: hell


The Bible Says…

‎”Thou hast forgiven the iniquity of thy people, thou hast covered all their sin.” Selah. Psalm 85:2

Dear Flock Member,

Covered their sins – with what? Covered them up?

Consider the mess the church is in today – all the decades of hushed-up child-abuse growing more audible.

Cover-ups eventually become discovered and uncovered.

Each human being is responsible for his/her own crimes and misdemeanours: nobody can be any one else’s scapegoat. It is a flawed notion, immoral, and accomplishes nothing of true value.

As more people become aware of this fact, the less people there’ll be blindly caged in the dark and disturbing cult called Christianity where the fear of ‘not being good enough for god’ is all consuming… like the ‘hell’ that is promised for those who fail to achieve ‘salvation’.

Salvation? From what? Our own superstition and stupidity? Our own bigoted beliefs and bad behaviour?

 There’s only one place you can go to get that kind of salvation – and that place is YOU. You will understand this when you grow out of childhood fantasies and face the reality of this material world – this one world and one life.

As the coach said to the team, ‘This is not a rehearsal – this is it!’

But what are Christians expected to do? Distract themselves and others from realising this wonderfully liberating fact: This is it! How? By diverting attention and focusing desires on feelgood fables and the false promise of an infinite future spent frolicking on fluffy clouds with friends and family – and the ‘father’ – in a happily-ever-afterlife of neverending adoration, praise and worship! When you slow down and think it through, you may find that this sugar-coated, air-brushed dream is really a nightmare you’ll soon be hoping to awaken from.

You want GOOD NEWS? Only you can save yourself. And, when you do, only you can take credit for it. If you fail, you must take credit for that also.

After you save yourself… then, if you feel so inclined, see if you can be of use to others by helping them save themselves, too!

Don’t worry: if it turns out that there really is a loving, all powerful, all merciful, omnific god, there’s no doubt that he’ll be more than satisfied with that. And if not, to hell with him! :0)

© 2010 Wordwurst

DOUG’S FINAL ENTRY #1

This is the first part of the final instalment of Doug’s Facebook conversations with a number of born-again-christians. It is useful to note that, having had many previous conversations (especially with Chucky) about the notion of a creator (specifically the one they have chosen), Doug attempts a new strategy to make his points clear.

No matter how many times Doug plainly stated that he was once a christian himself, had read the bible many times, and came to the conclusion that there is no god or devil, no heaven or hell, he was contradicted and called a liar. Being a the kind of dog he is, he found their way of debating/conversing/communicating both insulting and childish.

So, he decided to fight fire with fire and pulled out all the stops in his attempts to lower himself to their level and be as insulting and childish as he could manage. The results (if you are not overly offended by the use of swear words) are hilarious… and somewhat startling. No matter what Doug said, these guys just didn’t know when to quit or how to change the way they spoke to him and the threats they continuously made.

I have since banned Doug from debating with god-believers on my Facebook page and he is now in training to be a stand-up comedian.

NB: The names of the god-believers in these final instalments have been changed to protect the moronic!

NBB: Doug was only joking when he talked about snorting coke and having sex-orgies with a group of bitches. Doug has been clean and sobre for the last four years and his happily married. One day, he and his wife hope to have a few pups and start their own canine family.

Chucky: M’r:9:47: And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: You can rip the eye out of the perverted all day but only God can rip the perversion out of the perverted.

Gary: Amen, lest you would simply end up with a blind pervert!

Doug: What if your tongue offends me? Shall I pluck it out? Has your fairy-tale god ripped the perversion out of you yet, Chucky? :0)

Sampson: Don’t confuse the Biblical use of “offend,” Doug. It doesn’t mean “offensive,” but rather “to sin against.”

Doug: How presumptuous of you, Mr Sampson, to assume I do not know the difference. You must be a born-again-christian because, in my experience, the ones I have had the displeasure to have met all came across as self-righteous, arrogant assholes… and it sounds like you are one of those, too, am I wrong? Just so you know, I was born-again and have read the bible more times than you’ve said stupid things. I grew up, learned to think for myself and grew out of it. Maybe, if you think for yourself, you may one day too! I’ll pray to my master for you, if you like.

Chucky: Doug, You never grew out of it because you were never in it.
You must be born again! The bible clearly describes your characteristics in that you were a false believer.

Doug: There you go – more ignorant, arrogant assertion of bullshit! I think I know my life better than you do, Chuckyboy. I will not argue with someone acting like a moron. You want to talk? Happy to do so as long as you refrain from childish and incorrect contradiction. You think you can do that?

Chucky: If you want me to agree with you? No Sir.

Doug: Agree with me? I have no idea what you are talking about! The bible is full of erroneous information, contradiction, stupidity… just like you, Chuck! I wonder, is that where you got the characteristics of a fucktard asshole, or did you take them from your fairy-tale book?

Chucky: God is going to throw you in hell one day. You are going to spend eternity in torment because of your foolishness

Doug: Emm… wrong again. Wait – maybe not! Perhaps I am already there because I can think of no worse torment than trying to communicate with you. You’re like a pathetic little boy with your silly little threats. If there was a hell, Chuck, I’d gladly go there to avoid having to spend eternity with a twit like you and a twat like god!

Chucky: Yes you would probably hate heaven. Hanging out with christian in the preasence of God.

Jeffrey: How amazing is this… A person jumps a thread, and attacks other peoples religion while pondering offenses against himself. He then accuses others of presumption while using the most assumptive of terms… “You must be”, “You are all”, “It… sounds like” etc… You must be a very wise man Chuck. If this man read the Bible 100 times, then you have said fewer then 100 stupid things in you life time. I was passed 100 when I was 4 years old. I tip my hat to ya… 🙂 The code of the “New Atheist”.  1) Believe there is no God. 2) Hate Him anyway.

Doug: You got that right, Chuckyboy! Having to listen to you sycophantic whining maggots as you grovel to god for the crumbs of his favors forever! When the day comes, as it surely will, that the bubble of delusion you live in POPS! you are going to have to get the two brain cells you have left to work together. Right now they just seem to be waving goodbye to each other.

Chucky: I would hate heaven too if it wasn’t for the grace of God. You need to repent and trust in Jesus.

Doug: What a complete prick this Jeff fucktard is! Talk about presuming. Chuck and I have been ‘enjoying’ conversations like this for some time now and I have gotten to know him, Jeff, thank you very much. You, I already know and PWN!. Now, why don’t you suck Chucks tiny weiner while he reads passages about hell to you from the bible? You are so mentally retarded that you do not understand that you, like me, are an atheist. You do not believe in the thousands of gods that preceded the one that’s now in favor in your little part of the planet. I’m just one god ahead of you. Now, go and play with the other kids and stay out of the seriousness business us adults are getting on with, ‘mmmmkay? Kay!

Sampson: Doug, I didn’t insult you – it’s beyond me why you would want to insult me. I was making a simple distinction between the meaning of the text, and the understanding of the terminology you provided.

If you left the body of Christ, it’s because you weren’t in it to begin with: 1 John 2:19, “They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us.”

Nobody can be born-again, and then not born-again. As Christ said in John 6:39, “And this is the Father’s will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day.”

Jesus cannot lose anybody that was given to him of the Father. So as 1 John 2:19 points out, if you aren’t with the body of Christ, it’s because you were never with the body of Christ.

This isn’t arrogance, this is the Word of God. If you reject God’s Word, your world view will make absolutely no sense. I’d be willing to demonstrate that to you if you can speak to me like an adult, with respect, and not littering our interactions with insults.

Doug: You’re very existence insults me! Your self-righteous and ludicrous assumption that if I do not understand the way you do or believe the way you do that I don’t understand. Why? Because GOD SAID SO! What is it with maggots like you who set themselves up to pretend they know anything when they clearly know nothing about anything.

Judgemental little bigots like you are some of the fuel for the stupid beliefs that inform the behaviours of bullies and end in the deaths of innocent young men who happen to be homosexual, or providing the much needed service of abortion to women who – with their own set of circumstances – decide that they need one.

I don’t give a flying fuck if you believe that I was born again or not, you gimp-minded twat-faced git. Being able to quote the bible at me doesn’t make you look smart (with a face like yours, nothing could) it just makes you sound like a brainless parrot! Now, get on your knees and suck it – and beg the holy ghost to help you keep your true identity repressed. Of course, he will not because he does not exist and if he did he’d just be a no-good lying sack of shit like the other two he claims to be, goo-googa-joob!

Am I getting through, Sampson? I see right through your vacant little heart and dirty little soul. Time to get back in the closet and turn the light out and pull the covers up to your chin and hope the big scary hairy old devil don’t gitchooo! He’ll fuck you like he fucks the ball-less god you fear so much. Making sense? No? Didn’t think so. It would take some intellect to get any kind of grasp… and you lost yours a long time ago. Whhhoooofffff! ;0)

Chucky: Doug, One day your bubble of elusion will be popped and you will fear God.

Isa:25:7: And he will destroy in this mountain the face of the covering cast over all people, and the vail that is spread over all nations.

Psalms:102:15: So the heathen shall fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth thy glory.

Psalms:33:8: Let all the earth fear the LORD: let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him.

Psalms:64:9: And all men shall fear, and shall declare the work of God; for they shall wisely consider of his doing.

Bobby: So many like this dog, Doug, actually believe they had a born again experience, and use that to launch their hate campaign. I think the fact that God didn’t meet their fairytale expectations of wish granter, that they then decided to judge him unworthy to grant them anything.

The bitterness comes from seeing him grant his true children blessings, while ignoring the pleas of the unredeemed.

You sir have never been born again. You would know, and we most definitely would know by your words alone.

Doug: Goddamn! You two slaves just don’t get it, do you? Okay, you need lots of repetition, right? I know the bible better than you know each others penises. Why do you waste your time quoting it to me? I don’t believe in your malevolent, evil, capricious god. Most people who do not suffer with mental delusion do not believe in your god. If your bible was right – I’d be fearing this asshole, right? Well, I don’t. Because he’s about as real as your pretence to be heterosexual.

One more time – in big letters so you get it: I DENY THE HOLY GHOST, JESUS AND GOD. THEY DO NOT EXIST. IF THEY DID, I WOULD LOCK THEM UP FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.

I mean, come on, look what they’ve done to you worthless, robotic, moronic, demonic suckers of satan’s cock!! Read it over twenty times and let it sink in. If you waste my time with any more scripture you’ll only be proving my point. Now, go put on your sisters underwear and let Jon pee on you, kay?

Chucky: The Lord rebuke you.

Bobby: Make that 3 Doug, I agree with Chuck and Sampson. Well, at least you admitted there is a hell, which must also mean you believe in a heaven. One may further assume then, that you also believe in a heaven creator since neither that nor hell could spontaneously create itself. Having gone that far, and knowing heaven is created by God, you must further conclude that he exists.  What was your point again?

Chucky: Doug you are trapped in bondage by your sins to your father the devil. You need to repent and believe the Gospel if you want to be saved.

Doug: D’uh, Bob… you might want to reread what I wrote, it’s all there. I do not and cannot hate god because it doesn’t exist. I hate the way you fuckers are so self-righteous, judgemental and mentally defective because you are a danger to yourself and others. Innocent people are tormented because of the bullshit you stand for. Go on, keep deluding yourself that those who don’t believe in your pathetic god are jealous that he didn’t shine his light on them. Makes you feel special, don’t it? Anywhere you can get that strong desire to feel special you’ll go there. Now, go away and suck Chuck and Jon’s willy-winkies and get that special feeling of validation you so desperately crave, you maggot faeces!

(tbc…)

© 2010 Doug The D’Awg

THOU SHALT NOT 7

This is right to the point. Don’t do adultery, right?

Simple, no?

Yes. As you know, and I don’t need to tell you, and you knew I was going to say that anyway… What, specifically do you mean by adultery?

Why don’t you look up that book of yours and stop bothering me with your silliness!

Dic says: Adultery [uhduhl-tuh-ree]   –noun, plural -ter·ies. voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. Does that about sum it up for you?

I have no qualms with that.

Good. So, I’m wondering… if the sex is voluntary, then why do you call it a sin and command us never to do it?

Because the married person would be cheating on his wife.

Cheating, eh? And what’s that when it’s at home for the evening?

Cheating is being untrue, unfaithful, breaking your word, your promise! That’s not allowed!

Well, don’t raise your voice at me, Mr God! – how in your name was I supposed to know that being untrue, unfaithful, breaking your word, your promise was not allowed? You haven’t said a word about any of those in your commandments so far!

Have I not? Well, even so – you should know that anyway.

Why? Your followers tend to think that we get our morals from you and nowhere else.

That’s true. You get everything from me. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the Giver and the Taketh awayer!

Okay, so you give us everything – including the desire to want to jump some hot chick even when we’re married…

Mmmm Latina hot?

Sure. Whatever you like. And while you’re thinking about that one, Mr God, perhaps you’d say whether it would still be a sin to break this commandment if the man’s wife was, let’s say, a voyeur and got her rocks off acting like a peeping Tom and actually instructed her husband to commit adultery… then, I mean, he wouldn’t be cheating then, right?

As my son said –

Which one?

Oh, yes, quite. My number one son – Jesus of Nazareth.

He’s your favourite then is he, dad? That’s not the nicest thing to hear you know, if you put yourself in my position. It kinda sucks really, if you wanna know the truth.

Come on, son. He was special because he… well, he was actually me!

That’s right. And the Holy Ghost – was he part of it too, part of the long, drawn out torture scene?

It’s hard to tell with the Ghost, but yes, I felt his presence. Anyway, as I said once, or maybe twice, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That should clear this up. Just get into the vibe of that, son, and you’ll gain wisdom.

I don’t think so. It’s more like you’ve just thrown a Spaniard in the works!

Mmmm Spanish hot!

I mean, what if the man’s wife, as well as being a voyeur, is also into S&M, bondage, and all that whips and chains, leather and rubber stuff, you know?

Yes. Go on…

What if she were to take your last instruction to heart? She likes being whipped and beaten, spanked and fisted, so what you’re saying is, and correct me if I’m wrong, that she should do (those things) unto others because that is what she’d have them do unto her?

Ah Jesus, come on now, you’re twisting my words!

Thomas, actually! And I’m not – I’m simply testing the meaning and validity of the words by putting them into a context. In this context, they don’t really hold up, do they? I mean, you of all supreme beings – not that there are any others, but if there were – you of all should be able to see how us stupid humans who can never understand you anyway often find your utterances to be ambiguous and absurd.

I put it the best way I could at the time I thought it up. It sounded really good then… but, yes, if I could change it, I would, but to what?

Try this on for size: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

Interesting. Let me digest that momentarily. Okay, I think I get it… but how would one human know how another human wanted to be done unto? As you rightly point out, you are all basically stupid.

That’s the cool part. They’d have to find out instead of assume. They’d have to get to know each other for who they really are and not through the blood-tinted glasses with the broken frames of bigoted religious beliefs that by their very nature are exclusive and divisive. Instead of wishing and praying, we could be learning and enjoying, accepting and exploring, getting a deeper understanding.

Like I said, stupid. You presuppose that humans know what’s good for them and can choose accordingly. They cannot. That’s why they need a Big Baddy to lay down the law wearing a glove of steel and velvet. They need my intervention from time to time.

What happened to free-will, daddy-o?!

(God shuffled his feet.)

© 2010 Wordwurst

THOU SHALT NOT 5

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.

That’s pretty sweeping, isn’t it? I mean, when, where, how, why, and for how long?

All the time. Anywhere. By showing them the respect and giving them the dignity they deserve. Because they created you – you owe them everything, including your life. Forever. Amen.

I see. That sounds like a fairly tall order, don’t you think? You also presuppose that a person should be grateful for being brought into this world, that it’s simply a given. But, did it ever occur to you that maybe some people don’t want to be sucked onto this planet and held down by gravity for a human lifetime? You make it sound as though the child is automatically responsible for its parents – their sense of respect and dignity – and somehow owes them its life. I don’t get that, Mr God. If it has to be that way at all, then why not the other way around?

What other way around?

Since the parents made a conscious decision (assuming that anyway) to have the child, and the child had no say in the matter, then doesn’t it stand to reason that it should be the parents who are responsible for the child and they, in fact, owe it their lives?

Do you have any children of your own?

Uhh – you got me there, Mr God. What do you mean?

I mean what I say!

I mean, is this a trick question or something?

What do you think I am, a magician or something?

Well, actually, yes, sort of. Aren’t you?

I am Everything and Nothing!

I won’t pretend to know what that means, but it sounds kind of cool. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that your question threw me a little because… well, you know… you know everything.

So?

Well, you do know how many children I have, don’t you?

Ridiculous and ludicrous! Since I know every hair on your head, how could I not know how many children you have?

Well, since you put it that way, yes, I guess it would be crazy… since you know everything and all. You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.

You’re losing me, son. Can you hurry this up?

Okay, I’m ready to wrap this one up, I think. I just want to make sure that this commandment applies to all children – which is to say, every person of every age – at all times. Can you speak to that for a moment, Mr God?

Yes, for everyone, at all times. That’s the point of these commandments, son – don’t you get it yet? This is the law I have laid down for you to live by. I gave you life in the first place. I am the decider!

Hey, did you just quote George Dubya Bush? You joker! That’s funny. I’m kind of relieved somewhat to find you have a sense of humor. I like that. That’s a likeable trait.

Oh, well, yes. Thank you. Please, carry on…

I’m just talking about when you smile like that – yes, that’s it, just like that! – you lighten up and there seems to be a softer, more loving God that comes to the surface, you know… kinda like Dubya – the kind of guy I’d like to sit and have a beer with, shoot the breeze and chill coolin’ in the suds, if you get what I’m sayin’…

Gosh, I… I don’t know… what to say…

Wow – who’d ever have thunk it? God speechless! Far out! Hey, are you blushing? Is that a little pink under that white beard?

Naaahh…

Oh, Mr God, are you crying? Soaking that bushy beard? It’s all right, you just let it all out now… but what is it? What’s making you cry like a Little Miss Sunshine who’s just lost the competition?

Nobody’s ever… well, treated me like this. You said you’d like to chill with me, like a friend, just hang. All I ever get is people asking me for stuff. And you know what sucks? They do it all week long, but come Sunday – my one and only day off – they really blast me out of it. Even if they offer me something, it’s always with some hidden agenda, you know. Like, Dear God, o deargododeargododeargod, I want to show you my adoration by staying off of chocolate this Lent. I shall do it in your name! It is a tremendous sacrifice – but, of course, what am I saying? – you already know that, don’t you? Anyway, hope all is well with you… and your… you and the angels. I’m about 3 stone overweight right now and if you could see your way to helping me shed the pounds, I’d be eternally grateful and would owe you even more adoration and praise and worship, as we move forward, you and I, olord, on the ground… crawling over lines in the sand, getting tired sometimes, redoubling our efforts… as we go into the future, hand in hand, and, sometimes, you carrying me when I cannot bear to go on due to thirst, hunger and imminent death darkening everything in its vampire-like black shadow, leaving only your footsteps in the sand… ad nauseum.

Oh, come on now, Mr God… here, use this handkerchief. I promise you it’s clean.

I already knew that.

Of course you did. And you know how you’re saying in this commandment – your number 5 in your Top 10 – that all children should always honor their parents, right?

I do. I am saying that. It’s what it says on the tin, isn’t it? Why’s it so hard communicating with you people?

Only you know that.

? –

So, if a child was brought up by parents who were neglectful, abusive, and without a shred of compassion or love in their bones, that child should honor them anyway – to hell with what they did, the way they acted, just honor them anyway, whether they deserve it or not – is that what you are actually saying… I mean literally?

I keep telling you, my son, I gave you free-will. People get to choose. And that’s more than what some of us get, if you get my meaning. Anyway, what kind of tyrant would I be if I didn’t give you free-will? You’d be like brain

dead zombies or robots or something. And what fun would that be?

That’s an interesting way of looking at it, I’ll give you that. And, on that very point, free-will… tell me, Mr God, when you think of the defenceless, small doll-like child being abused by some grown up human being, I’m just wondering, you know… where’s that child’s free-will?

It’s not that simple. I have a divine plan, you’ll just have to trust me on that. And even if I tried to explain it to you, you wouldn’t understand.

But, I thought you were omnific – that you could do anything you wanted to do.

I can. But, it gets complicated, you know?

I see that it does. You are all powerful and all mighty and yet you cannot explain to us humans in a way we’d understand what your divine plan is. Surely, the fact that you cannot do something negates the claim to be able to do anything, right? Anyway, am I to understand that your divine plan, the one that you dreamed up, designed and are right now manifesting into existence includes innocent children being raped and tortured by some of the human beings that… well, dare I say it?

Say it!

That you created. Since that’s what’s happening, then we can conclude that its part of your divine plan.

I work in mysterious ways! You cannot know my divine plan!

Why not?

Why not?! What? Preposterous and red-boiled lobsterous! We covered this, didn’t we? Do you have Alzheimer’s son?

Do I?

If I reveal my cunning plan and prove my existence then you would no longer have the wonderful gift – the gift I saw fit to bestow on you – of free-will. And look at the thanks I get! Ingrate!

So, I take it that you’re not going to answer my question about the little children… the little children who have to suffer to come unto you. What in the hell does that mean anyway? There’s so many things wrong with that sentence. Firstly, you decree that all the children must suffer? Why? Did you suffer? Are you just sharing the suffering? Trying to get us to carry the cross for your sins the way you made your (as far as we know) only son be tortured to death on two planks of wood stuck together?

I Am The Son! And The Holy Ghost, too! We are the Holy Trinity. We are three, yet we are one!

And I am the walrus, goo googa joob! So, to change the subject  here for a brief moment, and get back to it in even less time, isn’t suicide a sin? A whopper sized sin?

You can count on it!

So, if you are your son, then didn’t you kill yourself? Commit suicide, as it were?

You are my son, and you shalt honor me as you shalt your mother and father, but even more, and you shalt not try to be a smartass with me!

Gotcha, Big Guy! Guess you’re not going to touch that one – and I don’t blame you. I know I couldn’t defend it myself… but then again, you’re God, right. The Big G! You don’t have to explain anything to us. And we wouldn’t get it even if you did. Not because you failed to communicate effectively, but that we failed to understand you, stupid us!? So, before we go around in circles here, like dogs chasing their own tails –

Or licking their own balls –

Yes, okay, then, it could be like that too. Tell me, Mr God, what’s your number 6 in the Top 10 of All Time?… (Next blog: Thou Shalt Not Kill!)

© 2010 Owen Pardue

Having watched Christopher Hitchens talk about the 10 Commandments, I found myself wondering:

What if, instead of giving his top ten orders to Moses way back when, he turned up last week, and gave his orders to, say, Derren Brown, or Richard Bandler, or Noam Chomsky – someone who had a firm grasp of linguistics? The way I imagine it, I don’t think any of the above would have been as credulous and sycophantic as poor old Moses appears to have been.

No doubt, they’d have had questions, and lots of them, for this being pronouncing himself not simply a god, but to be the one and only true God with a capital G!

And I wonder how he’d have faired… the Big Guy, I mean. God, with a capital G…

I Am The Lord Thy God, thou shalt have no other gods before me.

That’s a big claim, Mr God. Your sentence is filled with many presuppositions, but the main one seems to be that you are the lord, that you are my god, is that what you’re saying?

Yes.

Fair enough. As you know, since you claim to have created everything, that any poor schmuck can come along and say he’s god – we’ve had plenty of them – how do we know that what you claim is true? Can you give us any proof, any evidence?

Thou shalt not tempt thy Lord thy God!

Is that another commandment?

Mmmmyes, I guess. But it’s not in my top 10.

Okay, so understanding that we humans on planet earth have heard people make this claim – that they are god – since the beginning of time right up to this very day, you still assert that we should only believe you and not them? Did you know that when they were asked for proof that they say virtually the same thing you do… and do you see how that makes it difficult for us to know just who the real god is… supposing that there’s even one in the first place?

That’s easy. That’s what faith is all about. Believing without proof. If I gave you empirical evidence, then you’d know – just as you know the world revolves around the sun – and that would nullify faith. You see that, don’t you, my son?

Okay. Well, let’s get back to your Number 1 commandment, shall we?

All right.

For the sake of continuing this conversation and hearing the rest of your favorites, we’ll skip over the proof part and pretend that we accept you are the one and only god and that you lord it over us, okay?

Well, I wouldn’t quite put it that way… but, for expedience, all right.

Thank you. Now, you go on to say that I shall have no other gods before me. Is that right?

Correct.

And you are the only god, right?

Right.

Does that mean that you could just as easily have said: thou shalt have no other unicorns before me?

That’s ridiculous! What do you mean?

Hey, chill! I just meant that since you claim that you are the one and only capital G, there cannot be any other gods. Not one. Just like there’s no bogeyman or Santa Claus. Why would you instruct me to do something that I cannot possibly do anyway? How can I hold any gods before you when they don’t exist and only you do? Can you see how that’s a tad confusing?

Mmmmyes. I understand. I understand everything. Of course there are no other gods. I was suggesting that you shalt not imagine or make-believe any other gods.

Oh, I get it. You don’t want me to use my creative mind in this particular territory. Got it. But why? Why would it matter to you if, like some children do, it pleased me to invent an invisible friend, and love it and care for it and think of it as my best friend in the whole wide world? If it made me happy and didn’t hurt anyone, why would you deprive me of that pleasant pastime?

Haven’t you read the bible, my son?

Yes. A couple of times. And, by the way, my name is Thomas.

Then you should know that I am a jealous God.

Do you mean to say the jealous god… since there are no other gods and all?

Listen, young man, I’ve got to be at a worship ceremony at 6:00, so if you want to ask me about the other 9 commandments, I command you to move on!

Yeah, I suppose, you wouldn’t want to be late for that. I’m curious – are you like a vampire in as much as you have a certain ‘worship’ quota you must satisfy or you’ll turn into dust? Is it like your food, your nutrition, or something? Oh, come on, don’t look at me that way. I’m just asking, just want to be clear. Wouldn’t want to assume and pretend to be able to read the mind of god… so I’m asking, okay?

Thou shalt not question the Lord thy God!

Oh, is that the next commandment? Where are we now… Commandment number 2 –

No. It is a commandment, but, yeah, I think I should’ve put it in the top 10. Maybe it should be the second one. It would fit pretty good right there, wouldn’t it?

So, you could just rewrite them, couldn’t you?

Until being interrogated by you I simply had no idea just how stupid humans could be. The commandments are simple, straightforward and pretty doable if you ask me. It’s not like I’m asking you to fly or anything. There just supposed to be good ideas to live by. Why are they so difficult to understand? I mean, check this one out – and tell me, what’s not to get?

I’m listening.

Next blog: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images. (Beware all artists!)

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