Tag Archive: jesus


CHALLENGING CHRISTIANS #2

‎”Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.” 1 Samuel 15:22

(Although the following Facebook conversation is real – verbatim – names have been changed to protect the idiotic!)

Wordwurst More absolute meaningless gibberish! It is better to obey ‘whom’? And what sacrifice are you referring to? If god told me to kill my child, Samuel is saying that it would be better to obey than sacrifice? Sacrifice what? My child? I’ve heard mentally retarded children make more sense. What kind of sick, twisted mind can understand/believe in this Samuel asshole? Oh, I get it! Just mindlessly obey because if you try to understand you’re brain just turns to mush! It is better to hearken than the fat of rams? WTF?!

Charmley Context – Saul, Israel’s king under God, was given a specific order. He disobeyed and thought that he could cover it up by religious acts. One sentence taken from a speech is indeed rather difficult to understand. Put it in the context of I…srael in the period, and it makes sense. What is being said is that you should not think that God is pleased with you just because you’re going to Church when you’re also doing wicked things. Application: if you are fiddling the books, your going to Church will not make God pleased with you!

Wordwurst Which god?

Charmley Come on, this is a Bible quote, which do you think?

Wordwurst I believe only in the Luscious Lesbian Leprechaun goddess – the giant babe that gave birth to this whole universe. I have a book that tells the whole story. The bible is just made up.

Trevor  Is this guy for real or is he just a joke?

Wordwurst That’s exactly what I used to think when told about Jesus!

Trevor  Demonstrates Romans 1.

Richardson Certainly Wordwurst wouldn’t believe the only sufficient rule of faith, what arrogant apostate would?

Wordwurst Faith is a crutch for those who cannot face reality. Believing in things you have no proof for! Deluding yourselves with your fairy-tales. And then, if that wasn’t bad enough, spreading it like a virus to others. Now – that’s arrogant. To hell with faith. Give me truth!

Trevor  What is described is not faith but credulity. Faith, biblical faith, has specific content. Without that content it isn’t faith. You may object to the content, but slander, misrepresentation and mockery are not refutations, mere cant.

Wordwurst Can! Calling the truths I’m pointing out about your harmful and silly dogma slander, misrepresentation and mockery does not distract from the fact that people who believe in made-up, baseless superstitions, are deluded fools – like politicians – giving empty promises, telling lies to protect their guise… living quiet desperation lives! Let me ask you a serious question and see if you can answer straightforwardly, okay? What will happen to me when I die, based upon your ‘book’?

Trevor  I suspect you know the answer to your own question! Reading through your missives it is evident you merely engage in sneering without actually having a rational, intelligent, reasonable argument. What you need to do is ask what does Christianity teach. Then ask, does it stack up with Scripture. Then proceed to challenge from your own unbelief. Thus far it’s just what I said – mere cant and nothing more.

Baptist Church Dear Wordwurst, the wonderful thing about the word of God is that it is so clear about this question of what happens after death. If I believe in the Son of God I will enter eternal bliss. If not, eternal hell. Thank God, by his grace I will one day see him and be like him for I shall see him as he truly is! I pray you will be there too! Mark.

WW Thanks for answering. So, if I can not believe in this particular god of yours, he will banish me to eternal torture. Do you think that is moral?

Baptist Church If you had a dog and it never did what you wanted it to do and it started to bite your children, would it be morally acceptable to get rid of the dog?

WW I’ll be happy to answer any of your questions after I get clear about where you’re coming from. If I cannot believe in your god, do you think it is moral that I punished eternally for a finite crime? Do you think I deserve that? In your opinion, is it moral?

Trevor  So, you didn’t answer the question. Same old same old. Whinge, complain, mock and sneer, but not answer the question. The reality is, you cannot account for anything. You begin with the presupposition that authority rests entirely with you. …In your closed box you see nothing, hear nothing, your ‘discoveries’ and reasoning are all within that closed box. The Christian by contrast has a different presupposition. Using the previous illustration- the lid is open to let in the light. Yours is the closed mind, the Christian has the open mind. What you need to do is to repent for your sins.

Baptist Church WW, It is of no relevance where I am coming from. Your question was, what does the Bible say? I told you. You say you “cannot believe”. But is it not the truth that you do not want to believe? I do not know what you deserve. I am not your judge. I know that I only deserve hell apart from the grace of God in Jesus Christ. The call of the gospel is there for all who will hear it. May the Lord open your heart to his truth for his mercies sake. Mark.

WW Why do you continue to sidestep my simple question? What you need – if you want to continue this conversation – is to answer my question. Same old dodging the questions I always get from arrogant gits like yourself. You’re the one beginning… and continuing with presuppositions and I am seeking to understand. I’ll ask you once more and we’ll both know what’s happening if you are to frightened again to answer. If I cannot believe in your god, do you think it is moral that I punished eternally for a finite crime? Do you think I deserve that? In your opinion, is it moral? You claim that you don’t know what happens to me if I cannot believe in your god. You lying sack of crap! You know damn well what your contradictory book says. You’re just too scared to go down this road of inquiry with me because you know where its going and you’ll do anything to avoid it – like continue to to talk nonsense. What a coward!

Baptist Church To answer simply, Yes!!! Any crime against God is not considered finite. “Unless you repent you will all likewise perish” But I am sure you know the answer already!!

WW And do YOU think it is right/just/moral for any human being to be tortured in eternity for the finite ‘sin’ of not being able to believe in ‘god’?

Baptist Church I already answered that question. You need to read more carefully. Or maybe nothing that I would say would satisfy you? Why do you waste your time with people like me if you think I am so useless?

WW It’s not the same question. If you read more carefully, you’d see that. The difference is – do YOU think it is righ/just/moral. The truthful answer would satisfy me. And is it not you who is beginning to feel he is wasting his time with me… thinking you cannot convert me?

(after much time)

WW Yeah, I thought you’d both bail when the questions got difficult. ARBC – you are a bad parrot. Trevor, you are a simpleton prancing around behind what you think are cleverly constructed sentences. Being gay, how do you reconcile the bible’s insistence that homosexuals are an abomination? You should be out of the closet and out in the community helping other people like yourself to be proud of who they are – of what their parents and evolution made them. Lennon was right: god is a concept by which we measure our pain. Trevor, you must be in hell already. You need any help just let me know, kay? Now, enough of both your foolishness! See if you can speak for the next 48 hours without parroting your scriptures or mentioning god once. Betcha can’t! Brainwashed zombies have better thinking / reading / concentrating skills than the two of you put together! If that’s what being a christian is (a follower! – who wants to be a follower anyway? sheeple?) you can count me out. I lead and create my own path, thankyouverymuch! :0) ToodlePip!

Trevor  Your blurb is, sadly, like yourself, confused. Which is why you never actually answer anything. You merely throw invective because you have nothing. You raise the strange issue of sodomy. It is wicked and contrary to the faith. See Romans 1….Until you repent your thinking will remain irrational.

WW Sidesteppin’, pussyfootin’, the old soft shoe! You’re a wonderful little dancer, Trev – did you know that? If you find anything about my blurb confusing it is because your damaged/brainwashed mind is what is confused and in a state of delus…ion. I will, as I already said (what, you got a poor memory too?) happily answer any questions after you answer mine. If you are too much of a wallflower to do so, just admit it and you can give up. Otherwise, why not pretend to be a man and answer… mmmkay? (PS: You raise the issue of me raising the issue of sodomy… no, not really. I raised the issue that your filthy book asks for homosexuals like yourself to be put to death for being what god made them. How f*&^$d up is that? Even though suffering a deep and dark repression, do you really think the homosexuals god made – since he made everything – should have to be tortured for eternity for their finite crime? I mean, you actually claim to go along with that and think it is moral and just?) So, there you have it – the same question again, in another form. Answer if you can. Recant if you can’t!

Trevor  Phew. Let me repeat myself clearly.
1. Scripture lays down the way if salvation
2. That is the path we are to take
3. It’s ethics we are to follow
Your innuendos are false. Period

WW Yes, please, try to be clear this time.
1. Yes, but is it morally right?
2. Says who? The morons who wrote the book full of idiocy and contradictions? Talking snakes, man living in the belly of a whale, an all powerful god who cannot fight iron?
3. Who’s ethics? Those of the cretins who wrote the most hateful and dreadful book of all time? Worse than the Koran?
You’re presuppositions are built on bullshit. Full stop!
When are you going to stop being a sheep and think for yourself and stand up for who you really are, proud and with a straight spine? Stop letting down your side, Trev, they need you and you could really help… if you only had the guts. :0(

Trevor  I do not know what you mean. Clearly you are getting worked up- hence the expletives. Your duty now is to repent of your sin. Believe the gospel. Turn from sin. Cast off the unfruitful works of darkness and sin.

WW It’s no good talking to you, is it? You are like a broken record: repent, repent… how boring. Even if I could believe in your made up god (which I can no more do than believe in Santa) I would choose to give him the finger anyway. Satan is more noble and profound than the Abrahamic god – who’s kill count is astronomical compared to the devils! You think this is love and mercy – you keep it, if you like that sort of thing. Me, I would gladly spend eternity with Satan than with your god who would have me worshipping him all day! What a sad and pathetic little creature with a poor self-image and an out of control ego!

Baptist Church WW, I do not mind any argument you want to use but if you continue to use offensive and rude language I will have to delete you from my friends list. Please keep things at some level of decency. Mark.

WW Honestly, BC, I do not know what you mean. What offensive or rude langauage are you referring to? If you choose to interpret my words that way – well, that’s your right, I guess. For what its worth, I find your way of communicating to be …ignorant – but I don’t let it offend me. I am responsible for my feelings, not you. If you want to stick to the conversation and answer the question, let’s move on. If you want to use ‘being offended’ to take your ball home, so be it. What’s with the constant threats? ‘You’re going to go to hell!’, ‘I’m going to delete you’… ? Can’t you just stick to the discussion?

Baptist Church You are the one who brought up the whole issue of where do I think you are going when you die. Are you that worried about it? You must be I think.

Wordwurst Why would I be worried to return to the place I came? Black, unconscious nothingness. Peace. No fear. No pain. What I simply would like to know is do you think it is moral or just for me or anyone to burn for eternity for not believing in the god you promote? It’s a pretty simple question… ;0)

Baptist Church Yes, I do!!

WW Well, then that’s that. If you believe that, there’s something seriously wrong with you. No finite crime deserves infinite torture. The fact that you believe it does… what does that tell you? I mean, you’re saying that even if your very own child could not get him/herself to believe in this all merciful god, you’d agree that would be grounds for her eternal suffering. As a therapist, I would advise you to seek a professional. Imagine, as a result of not knowing your own moral compass, you will be steered by that of a ‘someone’ else you’ve heard tell of from people you’ve never met. If you do have children, I hope you don’t try to persuade them that that’s a good lesson for life. Only those who are morally bereft can cling to the disgusting morals written in a book by superstitious nincompoops!

Baptist Church Your use of the term “finite” is misleading. It is not the duration of the sin but the one to whom it offends that counts. If I murder someone in a moment of time I am worthy of death as a result. The gravity of all sin is that it is committed against an infinite and eternal God. My confidence is in the justice and mercy of this unchanging God. As Abraham said: “Shall not the judge of all the earth do right?”

WW Seriously, I don’t give a flying f*&k at a rolling donut what Abraham said. I know what’s right and wrong and don’t need you or any badly written book to tell me otherwise. If you need it, so be it.

‎© 2010 Wordwurst

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DOUG’S FINAL ENTRY #3 (END)

Chucky: Doug, I think its wonderful how you thought you were out the door to do some coke and then God lead you back to hear more about Jesus. You can’t realy stay away can you? Let me know when your born again.

Jeffrey: Whether you’re talking to the snow, the smoke, or the needle, the end result is the same. You in a small box and you don’t have the key. You rant against everything because it is the only way you can attempt to confirm to yourself that you… still have an identity. You know I know by what I say.

Doug: Sorry, Chuck, wrong again. Just made a call and had all the bitches and the party relocated here. We’re all laughin’ our asses off at the assinine bullshit you and your creepy friends continue to spew forth. I guess me and satan have managed to make you all stay here and face a little truth about yourselves. Let me know when you grow more braincells, a spine, and lose the sheep mentality, mmmmkaayyy? ;0) And, not, Jeff, I will not end up in a small box being slowly returning to the maggots from which you came because I am going to be stuffed and stay in my master’s house. When he croaks, well, then I hope a little boy buys me in a taxidermy shop! Whoof!

 

Sampson: Doug, what is love and what meaning does it possibly carry in an Atheistic materialistic world? Don’t you suggest we are all matter, falling through space? What different does it make one person loves another, or shoots them?

Doug: Ah – you just keep coming back for more! Yes, I know that you know of which you speak in this case, you ex-junkie, you! I do not, however, rant against everything, just mainly the hateful disease and evil lies you and your onerous religion spreads. And since you are not familiar with hearing the truth, it’s understandable you’d confuse it for a ‘rant’. Not that there’s anything wrong with a good old rant now and again… or a bark, or a howwwllllll!

Sammy baby – you’re question only goes to illuminate the fact that you are assholistic (meaning, an asshole at every level) and a total idiot as well. I guess a mind as small as yours can’t handle the complexities of living in the real world. If you think there’s any love to be had by believing in a book that says that it’s okay for one human to own another… well, you deserve to have an IQ of a fencepost.

Come on, ladies. I own you all with one hand tied behind my back! Can you not get a whole bunch more of you to take me on so that we can even up this fight a little bit in your favor? This is like shooting fish in a barrel! Amusing, but hardly challenging.

Sampson: Doug, how does Atheism suggest it’s “wrong” for one human to own another? Have you ever owned a pet? In Atheism, man has no more rights than any other animal.

Jeffrey: You wouldn’t know the truth if someone gave it to you to tie off with… You make that obvious by choosing to run from it into addiction.

Doug: Can’t you read, Sammy? The bible, I said. Try and read it sometime. And are you so stuck up your own butt that you seem to forget that you are an animal – an animal speaking to another animal, a dog – hell! A mere pup. You think you’re better than me, eh? Well, this world was a far better place for us dogs when you greedy, fucked up people came with your demented ideas about invisible men in the sky! Do you still believe in the god Thor? No? Oh – you fucking atheist piece of poop!

Your false god is a slave merchant and slave owner. And you the cowering-on-your-knees-facing-the-ground slave!

And Jeff – you know all about running away don’t you… from the truth, and the bullies who used to pick on you in school for being such a snotty little shit!

Doug: What?! Where’d all you sissy’s go? That the best you got? My god (The Luscious Lesbian Leprechaun) owns your feeble god any day! You’re not worthy to suck her big toe!

Chucky: Good Doug. Thanks for bringing people over your house so they can see too. Thats ussualy how street ministry works. The preacher preaches, God sends someone to mock him wich causes a crowd and then during it all some bystandard hears the gos…pel which leads them to salvation. Its like street preaching on face book. AMEN AND BELIEVE THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST BEFORE ITS TO LATE.

Doug: Too late, Chucky. They’ve already been saved. We hang with the one true god – and she’s grooooovy! You deny her existence. You goddamned atheist!

Only weak minded scaredy cats like you bunch of wriggling worms stoop to the squalid position of making idle threats. We, on the other hand, are above such silliness! If you don’t believe in the Luscious Lesbian Leprechaun Goddess, she doesn’t really give a shit. She doesn’t blame you either, since you are too feeble-minded and spineless to crawl out from under that blinding rock you live beneath! She has nothing but pity for you.

Jeffrey: how many things are laying around half-way fixed Doug?

Doug: Jeff, you haven’t made much sense so far, but that is ridonkulous! Lay off the crystal-meth, man!

Carap: why dont you guys just stop talking to him…even Jesus chose not to go back to certain places or people because they rejected him, you have to hear believe and then recieve, he doesnt believe so move on, we’re told not to throw pearls before swine, the pearls are the gift of salvation, how precious it is like a pearl and if we throw before swine the pigs will just move it around in the mud and treat it horrible, just move on

Doug: Spoken like a true pig! The reason they keep comin’ back is because in a fight like this they are protected by anonymity and thousands of miles of ocean. Now, Miss Piggy, why don’t you just move on, take your snout out of our business, and lead by example?

Doug: Pigs and worms and maggots and asses. Bunch of clucking chickens!

Jeffrey: Doug… You know I’m talking sense. You know it very well. You know I have been “around”. I can tell you that I have been in the deepest darkest depths of addiction, and have been free for 9 years. You say there are no miracles, but I am one. You want to say I’m weak, but the others who partied with me are dead or in jail. Gotta run for awhile, but I’ll check back in. God is good, even to such as Doug. I know because there was a time….

Doug: You’re confusing your story for mine. And you seem to be confusing the word ‘miracle’ for the word ‘mackeral’! You must have a fish for a head. You’re not still alive because your fake god specially chose to save you and not the others… you just didn’t dare to do as much shit as they did! My gosh, the arrogance of you assholes is simply stunning no matter how many times I hear it. So what’s the bid deal? You swapped one addiction for another. Now you’re addicted to spewing bullshit from that book of hate you can’t seem to get enough of. So fucking what! That the best argument you got? Well, you’re in deeper trouble than you thought.

Sampson: In accordance with Proverbs 14:7 I won’t partake in this discussion any further. Doug is a testimony of just how depraved man is in the absence of God’s grace. Proverbs 16:4, “The LORD has made everything for its own purpose, Even the wicked for the day of evil.”

Jeffrey: Again you plod along in your ignorance. You rail against the wind, kicking at you’re own conscience. You know you’re in darkness but your screams of let there be light avail you naught. The sad thing its the glob of cells you as an atheist relegate yourself to being deserves no better according your own tenents. You have the arrogance to denounce the Eternal God then call others arrogant. In essence, you’re false and it is apparent to all.

Doug: Talking to you guys is like going around in circles and my head is starting to spin. In accordance with the Lesbian Leprechaun’s rules, you shall not be judged for your evil insanity, just pitied. And to those (like Jeffrey) who talk to themselves, we should laugh and rejoice we are not alone and desperate. Oh, ye atheists of no faith – when will you ever learn? Now – enuff, bunch! Time to partay! If you want to do this again, you’d better get a crew of others who have real, fully formed ideas and an idea how to communicate them. Cheers!

Jeffrey: The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every one. For God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

I couldn’t care less what people think of me, but God… that’s a different matter entirely.

 

Doug: Yeah, according to your evil little book of scribblings. Everything, including you pussies, begin and conclude in the abundant womb of the fabulously fun and wonderfully creative LLL Goddess! You should not blaspheme against her and my religion.

There are laws you know!

;0) Gurrrrrrruuuffff!!!

(Chuck and his gang of god-warriors ‘unfriended’ Doug shortly after this conversation. While they continue trying to help gullible folks find Jebus… Doug is sailing in the Carribean with his gang of real friends, Captain of the ship he sails!)

© 2010 Wordwurst

FARCICAL FACEBOOK CONVERSATION #4

GOD BELIEVER

VERSUS

DOUG THE DEVIL DOG

GB: ‎”If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.” John 14:23-2

DD: An old girlfriend tried that guilt trip on me once. She said, “Doug, if you really love me, you’ll do what I tell you to do… and buy me that diamond encrusted collar.” I said “I love you enough to not let you think you can go around demanding anything you want and as a result, be seen as a spoilt and selfish little bitch!” She’s no longer my girlfriend, but she’s a lot better now. So, I say, if you really love Jebus, do not obey him all the time – do not give in to all of his demands. If you did, and then he and his dad came and moved in with you… well, can’t you see what knd of nightmare your life would become? So, sin at least as much as you obey him. I mean, you wouldn’t want him dying on the cross for your sins to be in vain, would you? But if he keeps pestering you to do this and do that and give him all the thanks and praise (like a little Kim Jong Il running about the place) just say, Jebus, you are acting like a spoilt and selfish bitch! and give him a good, loving, slap! Always works for me! :0) Peace & Love (it goes both ways!)

 *****

GB: Yes, Jesus you are the protector of my life and soul.

DD: And my heart… and all my internal organs – spleen, liver, intestines, colon, pancreas, kidneys, testicles, ovaries (okay, yes, I am a hermaphrodite – dont’ judge me! Just kiddin!) fallopian tube, vas deferens, blood pump, lungs, brain, etc. Thanks for protecting them all, Jebus. You must be a very, very busy man… oops, I feel a fart coming on… Aaaah, thank you Lord! Grrrreeeaatt! That was a relief. All glory to you and your protection. But GOD – it sure stinks in here! Whooooooooffff! ;0)

****

GB: One of the hardedst things a christian may ever have to do is compare themselves (there heart, mind, deeds, conscience) to scripture and then in there wretchedness try to figure out how God could possibly love us so much

DD: You’re right, Chip. You are wretched and it is mind-boggling that god loves you. He probably doesn’t. Why should he bother with such wretched sinners as yourself? Maybe its time to pack it in! ;0)

 ****

Agape Jesus Hey all my FB friends. I want to invite you and your friends to come join our non denominational Christian Chat / Social network website. Live audio and video member chat rooms, Group chat rooms, IM one on one chat rooms, Myspace like profiles, prayer wall, and much more.

DD: Jeesh! What a name for a christain based page. Last time I heard the word agape was when a friend was describing a porno film he’d watched! I think it was: Bonkers the Bitch Does Dallas! What would Jebus’ name be if he was a porn star? Mite E Rod? Ohmi Gawd! Bearded Steel? Cumtu Hevven? Please post your ideas here. Winning entry gets FREE Indulgences (worth $5,000!) Must be over 18! Terms & Conditions apply. (Warning: Entering this competition may have side-effects: guilt, nausea, desperation, suicide, instant inexplicable death, death by lightning strike, hell for eternity, flatulence, halitosis, hair-loss, agonising period pains, and ingrown toenails!) Ask your doctor!

Agape Jesus Do You believe in signs from afterlife? Check out this photo then answer this question. Please share with friends and family and buzz it up at the bottom of the page. Amazing.

DD: My master would never fool around with such silly ways of communicating with me – stupid signs and such stuff… My master speaks to me directly – clearly and intelligibly. And the fact that he respects my mind and thinking shows in the mature way he communicates. Your god seems to be such a capriscious, disrespectful, narcissistic, solipsistic, demanding little personality. Maybe I should get my god to school your god, eh? Yap!

© 2010 Wordwurst

THOU SHALT NOT 7

This is right to the point. Don’t do adultery, right?

Simple, no?

Yes. As you know, and I don’t need to tell you, and you knew I was going to say that anyway… What, specifically do you mean by adultery?

Why don’t you look up that book of yours and stop bothering me with your silliness!

Dic says: Adultery [uhduhl-tuh-ree]   –noun, plural -ter·ies. voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. Does that about sum it up for you?

I have no qualms with that.

Good. So, I’m wondering… if the sex is voluntary, then why do you call it a sin and command us never to do it?

Because the married person would be cheating on his wife.

Cheating, eh? And what’s that when it’s at home for the evening?

Cheating is being untrue, unfaithful, breaking your word, your promise! That’s not allowed!

Well, don’t raise your voice at me, Mr God! – how in your name was I supposed to know that being untrue, unfaithful, breaking your word, your promise was not allowed? You haven’t said a word about any of those in your commandments so far!

Have I not? Well, even so – you should know that anyway.

Why? Your followers tend to think that we get our morals from you and nowhere else.

That’s true. You get everything from me. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the Giver and the Taketh awayer!

Okay, so you give us everything – including the desire to want to jump some hot chick even when we’re married…

Mmmm Latina hot?

Sure. Whatever you like. And while you’re thinking about that one, Mr God, perhaps you’d say whether it would still be a sin to break this commandment if the man’s wife was, let’s say, a voyeur and got her rocks off acting like a peeping Tom and actually instructed her husband to commit adultery… then, I mean, he wouldn’t be cheating then, right?

As my son said –

Which one?

Oh, yes, quite. My number one son – Jesus of Nazareth.

He’s your favourite then is he, dad? That’s not the nicest thing to hear you know, if you put yourself in my position. It kinda sucks really, if you wanna know the truth.

Come on, son. He was special because he… well, he was actually me!

That’s right. And the Holy Ghost – was he part of it too, part of the long, drawn out torture scene?

It’s hard to tell with the Ghost, but yes, I felt his presence. Anyway, as I said once, or maybe twice, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That should clear this up. Just get into the vibe of that, son, and you’ll gain wisdom.

I don’t think so. It’s more like you’ve just thrown a Spaniard in the works!

Mmmm Spanish hot!

I mean, what if the man’s wife, as well as being a voyeur, is also into S&M, bondage, and all that whips and chains, leather and rubber stuff, you know?

Yes. Go on…

What if she were to take your last instruction to heart? She likes being whipped and beaten, spanked and fisted, so what you’re saying is, and correct me if I’m wrong, that she should do (those things) unto others because that is what she’d have them do unto her?

Ah Jesus, come on now, you’re twisting my words!

Thomas, actually! And I’m not – I’m simply testing the meaning and validity of the words by putting them into a context. In this context, they don’t really hold up, do they? I mean, you of all supreme beings – not that there are any others, but if there were – you of all should be able to see how us stupid humans who can never understand you anyway often find your utterances to be ambiguous and absurd.

I put it the best way I could at the time I thought it up. It sounded really good then… but, yes, if I could change it, I would, but to what?

Try this on for size: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

Interesting. Let me digest that momentarily. Okay, I think I get it… but how would one human know how another human wanted to be done unto? As you rightly point out, you are all basically stupid.

That’s the cool part. They’d have to find out instead of assume. They’d have to get to know each other for who they really are and not through the blood-tinted glasses with the broken frames of bigoted religious beliefs that by their very nature are exclusive and divisive. Instead of wishing and praying, we could be learning and enjoying, accepting and exploring, getting a deeper understanding.

Like I said, stupid. You presuppose that humans know what’s good for them and can choose accordingly. They cannot. That’s why they need a Big Baddy to lay down the law wearing a glove of steel and velvet. They need my intervention from time to time.

What happened to free-will, daddy-o?!

(God shuffled his feet.)

© 2010 Wordwurst

THOU SHALT NOT 5

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.

That’s pretty sweeping, isn’t it? I mean, when, where, how, why, and for how long?

All the time. Anywhere. By showing them the respect and giving them the dignity they deserve. Because they created you – you owe them everything, including your life. Forever. Amen.

I see. That sounds like a fairly tall order, don’t you think? You also presuppose that a person should be grateful for being brought into this world, that it’s simply a given. But, did it ever occur to you that maybe some people don’t want to be sucked onto this planet and held down by gravity for a human lifetime? You make it sound as though the child is automatically responsible for its parents – their sense of respect and dignity – and somehow owes them its life. I don’t get that, Mr God. If it has to be that way at all, then why not the other way around?

What other way around?

Since the parents made a conscious decision (assuming that anyway) to have the child, and the child had no say in the matter, then doesn’t it stand to reason that it should be the parents who are responsible for the child and they, in fact, owe it their lives?

Do you have any children of your own?

Uhh – you got me there, Mr God. What do you mean?

I mean what I say!

I mean, is this a trick question or something?

What do you think I am, a magician or something?

Well, actually, yes, sort of. Aren’t you?

I am Everything and Nothing!

I won’t pretend to know what that means, but it sounds kind of cool. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that your question threw me a little because… well, you know… you know everything.

So?

Well, you do know how many children I have, don’t you?

Ridiculous and ludicrous! Since I know every hair on your head, how could I not know how many children you have?

Well, since you put it that way, yes, I guess it would be crazy… since you know everything and all. You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.

You’re losing me, son. Can you hurry this up?

Okay, I’m ready to wrap this one up, I think. I just want to make sure that this commandment applies to all children – which is to say, every person of every age – at all times. Can you speak to that for a moment, Mr God?

Yes, for everyone, at all times. That’s the point of these commandments, son – don’t you get it yet? This is the law I have laid down for you to live by. I gave you life in the first place. I am the decider!

Hey, did you just quote George Dubya Bush? You joker! That’s funny. I’m kind of relieved somewhat to find you have a sense of humor. I like that. That’s a likeable trait.

Oh, well, yes. Thank you. Please, carry on…

I’m just talking about when you smile like that – yes, that’s it, just like that! – you lighten up and there seems to be a softer, more loving God that comes to the surface, you know… kinda like Dubya – the kind of guy I’d like to sit and have a beer with, shoot the breeze and chill coolin’ in the suds, if you get what I’m sayin’…

Gosh, I… I don’t know… what to say…

Wow – who’d ever have thunk it? God speechless! Far out! Hey, are you blushing? Is that a little pink under that white beard?

Naaahh…

Oh, Mr God, are you crying? Soaking that bushy beard? It’s all right, you just let it all out now… but what is it? What’s making you cry like a Little Miss Sunshine who’s just lost the competition?

Nobody’s ever… well, treated me like this. You said you’d like to chill with me, like a friend, just hang. All I ever get is people asking me for stuff. And you know what sucks? They do it all week long, but come Sunday – my one and only day off – they really blast me out of it. Even if they offer me something, it’s always with some hidden agenda, you know. Like, Dear God, o deargododeargododeargod, I want to show you my adoration by staying off of chocolate this Lent. I shall do it in your name! It is a tremendous sacrifice – but, of course, what am I saying? – you already know that, don’t you? Anyway, hope all is well with you… and your… you and the angels. I’m about 3 stone overweight right now and if you could see your way to helping me shed the pounds, I’d be eternally grateful and would owe you even more adoration and praise and worship, as we move forward, you and I, olord, on the ground… crawling over lines in the sand, getting tired sometimes, redoubling our efforts… as we go into the future, hand in hand, and, sometimes, you carrying me when I cannot bear to go on due to thirst, hunger and imminent death darkening everything in its vampire-like black shadow, leaving only your footsteps in the sand… ad nauseum.

Oh, come on now, Mr God… here, use this handkerchief. I promise you it’s clean.

I already knew that.

Of course you did. And you know how you’re saying in this commandment – your number 5 in your Top 10 – that all children should always honor their parents, right?

I do. I am saying that. It’s what it says on the tin, isn’t it? Why’s it so hard communicating with you people?

Only you know that.

? –

So, if a child was brought up by parents who were neglectful, abusive, and without a shred of compassion or love in their bones, that child should honor them anyway – to hell with what they did, the way they acted, just honor them anyway, whether they deserve it or not – is that what you are actually saying… I mean literally?

I keep telling you, my son, I gave you free-will. People get to choose. And that’s more than what some of us get, if you get my meaning. Anyway, what kind of tyrant would I be if I didn’t give you free-will? You’d be like brain

dead zombies or robots or something. And what fun would that be?

That’s an interesting way of looking at it, I’ll give you that. And, on that very point, free-will… tell me, Mr God, when you think of the defenceless, small doll-like child being abused by some grown up human being, I’m just wondering, you know… where’s that child’s free-will?

It’s not that simple. I have a divine plan, you’ll just have to trust me on that. And even if I tried to explain it to you, you wouldn’t understand.

But, I thought you were omnific – that you could do anything you wanted to do.

I can. But, it gets complicated, you know?

I see that it does. You are all powerful and all mighty and yet you cannot explain to us humans in a way we’d understand what your divine plan is. Surely, the fact that you cannot do something negates the claim to be able to do anything, right? Anyway, am I to understand that your divine plan, the one that you dreamed up, designed and are right now manifesting into existence includes innocent children being raped and tortured by some of the human beings that… well, dare I say it?

Say it!

That you created. Since that’s what’s happening, then we can conclude that its part of your divine plan.

I work in mysterious ways! You cannot know my divine plan!

Why not?

Why not?! What? Preposterous and red-boiled lobsterous! We covered this, didn’t we? Do you have Alzheimer’s son?

Do I?

If I reveal my cunning plan and prove my existence then you would no longer have the wonderful gift – the gift I saw fit to bestow on you – of free-will. And look at the thanks I get! Ingrate!

So, I take it that you’re not going to answer my question about the little children… the little children who have to suffer to come unto you. What in the hell does that mean anyway? There’s so many things wrong with that sentence. Firstly, you decree that all the children must suffer? Why? Did you suffer? Are you just sharing the suffering? Trying to get us to carry the cross for your sins the way you made your (as far as we know) only son be tortured to death on two planks of wood stuck together?

I Am The Son! And The Holy Ghost, too! We are the Holy Trinity. We are three, yet we are one!

And I am the walrus, goo googa joob! So, to change the subject  here for a brief moment, and get back to it in even less time, isn’t suicide a sin? A whopper sized sin?

You can count on it!

So, if you are your son, then didn’t you kill yourself? Commit suicide, as it were?

You are my son, and you shalt honor me as you shalt your mother and father, but even more, and you shalt not try to be a smartass with me!

Gotcha, Big Guy! Guess you’re not going to touch that one – and I don’t blame you. I know I couldn’t defend it myself… but then again, you’re God, right. The Big G! You don’t have to explain anything to us. And we wouldn’t get it even if you did. Not because you failed to communicate effectively, but that we failed to understand you, stupid us!? So, before we go around in circles here, like dogs chasing their own tails –

Or licking their own balls –

Yes, okay, then, it could be like that too. Tell me, Mr God, what’s your number 6 in the Top 10 of All Time?… (Next blog: Thou Shalt Not Kill!)

© 2010 Owen Pardue

Having watched Christopher Hitchens talk about the 10 Commandments, I found myself wondering:

What if, instead of giving his top ten orders to Moses way back when, he turned up last week, and gave his orders to, say, Derren Brown, or Richard Bandler, or Noam Chomsky – someone who had a firm grasp of linguistics? The way I imagine it, I don’t think any of the above would have been as credulous and sycophantic as poor old Moses appears to have been.

No doubt, they’d have had questions, and lots of them, for this being pronouncing himself not simply a god, but to be the one and only true God with a capital G!

And I wonder how he’d have faired… the Big Guy, I mean. God, with a capital G…

I Am The Lord Thy God, thou shalt have no other gods before me.

That’s a big claim, Mr God. Your sentence is filled with many presuppositions, but the main one seems to be that you are the lord, that you are my god, is that what you’re saying?

Yes.

Fair enough. As you know, since you claim to have created everything, that any poor schmuck can come along and say he’s god – we’ve had plenty of them – how do we know that what you claim is true? Can you give us any proof, any evidence?

Thou shalt not tempt thy Lord thy God!

Is that another commandment?

Mmmmyes, I guess. But it’s not in my top 10.

Okay, so understanding that we humans on planet earth have heard people make this claim – that they are god – since the beginning of time right up to this very day, you still assert that we should only believe you and not them? Did you know that when they were asked for proof that they say virtually the same thing you do… and do you see how that makes it difficult for us to know just who the real god is… supposing that there’s even one in the first place?

That’s easy. That’s what faith is all about. Believing without proof. If I gave you empirical evidence, then you’d know – just as you know the world revolves around the sun – and that would nullify faith. You see that, don’t you, my son?

Okay. Well, let’s get back to your Number 1 commandment, shall we?

All right.

For the sake of continuing this conversation and hearing the rest of your favorites, we’ll skip over the proof part and pretend that we accept you are the one and only god and that you lord it over us, okay?

Well, I wouldn’t quite put it that way… but, for expedience, all right.

Thank you. Now, you go on to say that I shall have no other gods before me. Is that right?

Correct.

And you are the only god, right?

Right.

Does that mean that you could just as easily have said: thou shalt have no other unicorns before me?

That’s ridiculous! What do you mean?

Hey, chill! I just meant that since you claim that you are the one and only capital G, there cannot be any other gods. Not one. Just like there’s no bogeyman or Santa Claus. Why would you instruct me to do something that I cannot possibly do anyway? How can I hold any gods before you when they don’t exist and only you do? Can you see how that’s a tad confusing?

Mmmmyes. I understand. I understand everything. Of course there are no other gods. I was suggesting that you shalt not imagine or make-believe any other gods.

Oh, I get it. You don’t want me to use my creative mind in this particular territory. Got it. But why? Why would it matter to you if, like some children do, it pleased me to invent an invisible friend, and love it and care for it and think of it as my best friend in the whole wide world? If it made me happy and didn’t hurt anyone, why would you deprive me of that pleasant pastime?

Haven’t you read the bible, my son?

Yes. A couple of times. And, by the way, my name is Thomas.

Then you should know that I am a jealous God.

Do you mean to say the jealous god… since there are no other gods and all?

Listen, young man, I’ve got to be at a worship ceremony at 6:00, so if you want to ask me about the other 9 commandments, I command you to move on!

Yeah, I suppose, you wouldn’t want to be late for that. I’m curious – are you like a vampire in as much as you have a certain ‘worship’ quota you must satisfy or you’ll turn into dust? Is it like your food, your nutrition, or something? Oh, come on, don’t look at me that way. I’m just asking, just want to be clear. Wouldn’t want to assume and pretend to be able to read the mind of god… so I’m asking, okay?

Thou shalt not question the Lord thy God!

Oh, is that the next commandment? Where are we now… Commandment number 2 –

No. It is a commandment, but, yeah, I think I should’ve put it in the top 10. Maybe it should be the second one. It would fit pretty good right there, wouldn’t it?

So, you could just rewrite them, couldn’t you?

Until being interrogated by you I simply had no idea just how stupid humans could be. The commandments are simple, straightforward and pretty doable if you ask me. It’s not like I’m asking you to fly or anything. There just supposed to be good ideas to live by. Why are they so difficult to understand? I mean, check this one out – and tell me, what’s not to get?

I’m listening.

Next blog: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images. (Beware all artists!)

© 2010 Wordwurst