THOU SHALT NOT 7

This is right to the point. Don’t do adultery, right?

Simple, no?

Yes. As you know, and I don’t need to tell you, and you knew I was going to say that anyway… What, specifically do you mean by adultery?

Why don’t you look up that book of yours and stop bothering me with your silliness!

Dic says: Adultery [uh–duhl-tuh-ree]   –noun, plural -ter·ies. voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. Does that about sum it up for you?

I have no qualms with that.

Good. So, I’m wondering… if the sex is voluntary, then why do you call it a sin and command us never to do it?

Because the married person would be cheating on his wife.

Cheating, eh? And what’s that when it’s at home for the evening?

Cheating is being untrue, unfaithful, breaking your word, your promise! That’s not allowed!

Well, don’t raise your voice at me, Mr God! – how in your name was I supposed to know that being untrue, unfaithful, breaking your word, your promise was not allowed? You haven’t said a word about any of those in your commandments so far!

Have I not? Well, even so – you should know that anyway.

Why? Your followers tend to think that we get our morals from you and nowhere else.

That’s true. You get everything from me. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the Giver and the Taketh awayer!

Okay, so you give us everything – including the desire to want to jump some hot chick even when we’re married…

Mmmm Latina hot?

Sure. Whatever you like. And while you’re thinking about that one, Mr God, perhaps you’d say whether it would still be a sin to break this commandment if the man’s wife was, let’s say, a voyeur and got her rocks off acting like a peeping Tom and actually instructed her husband to commit adultery… then, I mean, he wouldn’t be cheating then, right?

As my son said –

Which one?

Oh, yes, quite. My number one son – Jesus of Nazareth.

He’s your favourite then is he, dad? That’s not the nicest thing to hear you know, if you put yourself in my position. It kinda sucks really, if you wanna know the truth.

Come on, son. He was special because he… well, he was actually me!

That’s right. And the Holy Ghost – was he part of it too, part of the long, drawn out torture scene?

It’s hard to tell with the Ghost, but yes, I felt his presence. Anyway, as I said once, or maybe twice, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That should clear this up. Just get into the vibe of that, son, and you’ll gain wisdom.

I don’t think so. It’s more like you’ve just thrown a Spaniard in the works!

Mmmm Spanish hot!

I mean, what if the man’s wife, as well as being a voyeur, is also into S&M, bondage, and all that whips and chains, leather and rubber stuff, you know?

Yes. Go on…

What if she were to take your last instruction to heart? She likes being whipped and beaten, spanked and fisted, so what you’re saying is, and correct me if I’m wrong, that she should do (those things) unto others because that is what she’d have them do unto her?

Ah Jesus, come on now, you’re twisting my words!

Thomas, actually! And I’m not – I’m simply testing the meaning and validity of the words by putting them into a context. In this context, they don’t really hold up, do they? I mean, you of all supreme beings – not that there are any others, but if there were – you of all should be able to see how us stupid humans who can never understand you anyway often find your utterances to be ambiguous and absurd.

I put it the best way I could at the time I thought it up. It sounded really good then… but, yes, if I could change it, I would, but to what?

Try this on for size: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

Interesting. Let me digest that momentarily. Okay, I think I get it… but how would one human know how another human wanted to be done unto? As you rightly point out, you are all basically stupid.

That’s the cool part. They’d have to find out instead of assume. They’d have to get to know each other for who they really are and not through the blood-tinted glasses with the broken frames of bigoted religious beliefs that by their very nature are exclusive and divisive. Instead of wishing and praying, we could be learning and enjoying, accepting and exploring, getting a deeper understanding.

Like I said, stupid. You presuppose that humans know what’s good for them and can choose accordingly. They cannot. That’s why they need a Big Baddy to lay down the law wearing a glove of steel and velvet. They need my intervention from time to time.

What happened to free-will, daddy-o?!

(God shuffled his feet.)

© 2010 Wordwurst

THOU SHALT NOT 5

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.

That’s pretty sweeping, isn’t it? I mean, when, where, how, why, and for how long?

All the time. Anywhere. By showing them the respect and giving them the dignity they deserve. Because they created you – you owe them everything, including your life. Forever. Amen.

I see. That sounds like a fairly tall order, don’t you think? You also presuppose that a person should be grateful for being brought into this world, that it’s simply a given. But, did it ever occur to you that maybe some people don’t want to be sucked onto this planet and held down by gravity for a human lifetime? You make it sound as though the child is automatically responsible for its parents – their sense of respect and dignity – and somehow owes them its life. I don’t get that, Mr God. If it has to be that way at all, then why not the other way around?

What other way around?

Since the parents made a conscious decision (assuming that anyway) to have the child, and the child had no say in the matter, then doesn’t it stand to reason that it should be the parents who are responsible for the child and they, in fact, owe it their lives?

Do you have any children of your own?

Uhh – you got me there, Mr God. What do you mean?

I mean what I say!

I mean, is this a trick question or something?

What do you think I am, a magician or something?

Well, actually, yes, sort of. Aren’t you?

I am Everything and Nothing!

I won’t pretend to know what that means, but it sounds kind of cool. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that your question threw me a little because… well, you know… you know everything.

So?

Well, you do know how many children I have, don’t you?

Ridiculous and ludicrous! Since I know every hair on your head, how could I not know how many children you have?

Well, since you put it that way, yes, I guess it would be crazy… since you know everything and all. You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.

You’re losing me, son. Can you hurry this up?

Okay, I’m ready to wrap this one up, I think. I just want to make sure that this commandment applies to all children – which is to say, every person of every age – at all times. Can you speak to that for a moment, Mr God?

Yes, for everyone, at all times. That’s the point of these commandments, son – don’t you get it yet? This is the law I have laid down for you to live by. I gave you life in the first place. I am the decider!

Hey, did you just quote George Dubya Bush? You joker! That’s funny. I’m kind of relieved somewhat to find you have a sense of humor. I like that. That’s a likeable trait.

Oh, well, yes. Thank you. Please, carry on…

I’m just talking about when you smile like that – yes, that’s it, just like that! – you lighten up and there seems to be a softer, more loving God that comes to the surface, you know… kinda like Dubya – the kind of guy I’d like to sit and have a beer with, shoot the breeze and chill coolin’ in the suds, if you get what I’m sayin’…

Gosh, I… I don’t know… what to say…

Wow – who’d ever have thunk it? God speechless! Far out! Hey, are you blushing? Is that a little pink under that white beard?

Naaahh…

Oh, Mr God, are you crying? Soaking that bushy beard? It’s all right, you just let it all out now… but what is it? What’s making you cry like a Little Miss Sunshine who’s just lost the competition?

Nobody’s ever… well, treated me like this. You said you’d like to chill with me, like a friend, just hang. All I ever get is people asking me for stuff. And you know what sucks? They do it all week long, but come Sunday – my one and only day off – they really blast me out of it. Even if they offer me something, it’s always with some hidden agenda, you know. Like, Dear God, o deargododeargododeargod, I want to show you my adoration by staying off of chocolate this Lent. I shall do it in your name! It is a tremendous sacrifice – but, of course, what am I saying? – you already know that, don’t you? Anyway, hope all is well with you… and your… you and the angels. I’m about 3 stone overweight right now and if you could see your way to helping me shed the pounds, I’d be eternally grateful and would owe you even more adoration and praise and worship, as we move forward, you and I, olord, on the ground… crawling over lines in the sand, getting tired sometimes, redoubling our efforts… as we go into the future, hand in hand, and, sometimes, you carrying me when I cannot bear to go on due to thirst, hunger and imminent death darkening everything in its vampire-like black shadow, leaving only your footsteps in the sand… ad nauseum.

Oh, come on now, Mr God… here, use this handkerchief. I promise you it’s clean.

I already knew that.

Of course you did. And you know how you’re saying in this commandment – your number 5 in your Top 10 – that all children should always honor their parents, right?

I do. I am saying that. It’s what it says on the tin, isn’t it? Why’s it so hard communicating with you people?

Only you know that.

? –

So, if a child was brought up by parents who were neglectful, abusive, and without a shred of compassion or love in their bones, that child should honor them anyway – to hell with what they did, the way they acted, just honor them anyway, whether they deserve it or not – is that what you are actually saying… I mean literally?

I keep telling you, my son, I gave you free-will. People get to choose. And that’s more than what some of us get, if you get my meaning. Anyway, what kind of tyrant would I be if I didn’t give you free-will? You’d be like brain

dead zombies or robots or something. And what fun would that be?

That’s an interesting way of looking at it, I’ll give you that. And, on that very point, free-will… tell me, Mr God, when you think of the defenceless, small doll-like child being abused by some grown up human being, I’m just wondering, you know… where’s that child’s free-will?

It’s not that simple. I have a divine plan, you’ll just have to trust me on that. And even if I tried to explain it to you, you wouldn’t understand.

But, I thought you were omnific – that you could do anything you wanted to do.

I can. But, it gets complicated, you know?

I see that it does. You are all powerful and all mighty and yet you cannot explain to us humans in a way we’d understand what your divine plan is. Surely, the fact that you cannot do something negates the claim to be able to do anything, right? Anyway, am I to understand that your divine plan, the one that you dreamed up, designed and are right now manifesting into existence includes innocent children being raped and tortured by some of the human beings that… well, dare I say it?

Say it!

That you created. Since that’s what’s happening, then we can conclude that its part of your divine plan.

I work in mysterious ways! You cannot know my divine plan!

Why not?

Why not?! What? Preposterous and red-boiled lobsterous! We covered this, didn’t we? Do you have Alzheimer’s son?

Do I?

If I reveal my cunning plan and prove my existence then you would no longer have the wonderful gift – the gift I saw fit to bestow on you – of free-will. And look at the thanks I get! Ingrate!

So, I take it that you’re not going to answer my question about the little children… the little children who have to suffer to come unto you. What in the hell does that mean anyway? There’s so many things wrong with that sentence. Firstly, you decree that all the children must suffer? Why? Did you suffer? Are you just sharing the suffering? Trying to get us to carry the cross for your sins the way you made your (as far as we know) only son be tortured to death on two planks of wood stuck together?

I Am The Son! And The Holy Ghost, too! We are the Holy Trinity. We are three, yet we are one!

And I am the walrus, goo googa joob! So, to change the subject  here for a brief moment, and get back to it in even less time, isn’t suicide a sin? A whopper sized sin?

You can count on it!

So, if you are your son, then didn’t you kill yourself? Commit suicide, as it were?

You are my son, and you shalt honor me as you shalt your mother and father, but even more, and you shalt not try to be a smartass with me!

Gotcha, Big Guy! Guess you’re not going to touch that one – and I don’t blame you. I know I couldn’t defend it myself… but then again, you’re God, right. The Big G! You don’t have to explain anything to us. And we wouldn’t get it even if you did. Not because you failed to communicate effectively, but that we failed to understand you, stupid us!? So, before we go around in circles here, like dogs chasing their own tails –

Or licking their own balls –

Yes, okay, then, it could be like that too. Tell me, Mr God, what’s your number 6 in the Top 10 of All Time?… (Next blog: Thou Shalt Not Kill!)

© 2010 Owen Pardue

THOU SHALT NOT 4

Remember the Sabbath day to keep it Holy.

Well put. How simple can you get?

Right! That’s what I’m saying.

I guess, you could say it this way, too – Keep the Sabbath Day Holy?

Certainly.

Forgive my ignorance, but what is the Sabbath Day? And why should I remember to keep it Holy? And what is Holy anyway?

Go on, then, look it up in you dictionary book thingy!

It says: noun

1. the seventh day of the week, Saturday, as the day of rest and religious observance among Jews and some Christians. Ex. 20:8–11.

2. the first day of the week, Sunday, similarly observed by most Christians in commemoration of the Resurrection of Christ.

3. any special day of prayer or rest resembling the Sabbath: Friday is the Muslim Sabbath.

I’m just confused. Which one is it? Is it Saturday? Is it Sunday? Is it any old day at all? And if so, does that mean I have to keep every day Holy? And if not, why do I only have to keep one day Holy? I suppose it might help if I were to really understand the word Holy, eh?

Let’s check the Dic. As an adjective, it tells us, 1.  specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious use or authority; consecrated: holy ground.

2. dedicated or devoted to the service of god, the church, or religion: a holy man.

3.saintly; godly; pious; devout:a holy life.

4. having a spiritually pure quality: a holy love.

5. entitled to worship or veneration as or as if sacred: a holy relic.

6. religious: holy rites.

7. inspiring fear, awe, or grave distress: The director, when angry, is a holy terror.

You know, I still don’t really know what it is. I could pretend to, if you want, but –

I Am Holy! Holy is God, God is me, I am He, and we are all together. You’ve heard of the Holy Trinity, haven’t you?

No, but I’ve heard of the Fab 4! Ta-Dah! Maybe I should worship the Beatles? Maybe when John said they were bigger than Jesus, he meant that they were also greater and more god-like. If I asked him to prove he was god, he’d tell me not to tempt him. But no, knowing John (as I didn’t), he’d most likely have said: God is a concept by which we measure our pain. And then, he’d say it again. And he’d say, I don’t believe in Jesus, I don’t believe in Elvis, I don’t believe in Kings, I don’t believe in Beatles… I just believe in me.

He was a blasphemer! Everyone knows what happens to those who blaspheme!

Is that, like, to take your name in vain?

Yes. And I already warned you about that. Now, look at the time! You really want to get your skates on, son!

You know how you made us and all, right?

Sure.

Well, you know how you deliberately made us forgetful because if you hadn’t done it deliberately then it would have been a mistake and since you are omnific and therefore by definition cannot make any mistakes, you made us forgetful sometimes, right?

Yes, humans are forgetful creatures all right. Elephants have better memories than you lot…

Well, if you made us to be forgetful sometimes, and sometimes that forgetfulness falls upon the Sabbath Day – whatever day that is – why don’t you simply forgive us and get on with more important things, like, ending world hunger, or creating a plan for peace and love?

Don’t blame me! You have free-will – I gave that to you, a gift from my heart – and what thanks do I get? I just get it thrown back in my face all the time! I will not be held responsible for my children!

Mr God, I have to warn you – if you’re going to mingle with the people on this planet, you better not say that! You’d be locked up, if not stoned to death by an angry, religious mob first.

I will not be held responsible for my children! I gave you free-will!

Sssshh…. Keep it down! You’d be the first to agree that parents are responsible for the children they create and bring into this world helpless, dependent, in need of love and understanding, hugs and kisses. What age were we when you kicked us out of your house and washed your hands of us? Were we over 18?

Your man-made laws hold no sway over me. They are beneath me. You can never understand me!

Then why do you bother trying to communicate with us at all? What’s the point? You made us too stupid to conceive of you, to understand you in any meaningful way, so why bother?

Sometimes I ask myself that very question. Why do I bother? It’s a good one all right.

Did you ever consider giving up?

Oh, no, never. I have a dream. A vision. I am compelled and driven to realise it.

I get that. Really, I do. But, what’s the problem? You’re God with a capital G, dude! If you want it to be that way, and you are the supreme ruler, the be all and end all, the alpha and the omega, omni-everything, then why don’t you just make it like that? You could just fold your arms, wink your eyes and crinkle your nose like Jeannie on that old TV show called I Dream of Jeannie, and – Pooft! – your dream made manifest. So, I just don’t get what’s the problem.

Yeah, well, that’s because you cannot conceive of me or the world I live in, and who my masters are, and so on and so forth. So, let’s just move on, shalt you!

I shall. Just tell me this. Which day should I keep Holy?

That’d be telling! You are free to make your own decision, son. I just hope, for your sake, it’s the right one. And there’s only one right one!

Okay. I don’t have to choose right now, do I? Oh, cool. Because I really do want to think about that one a bit more before making any rash decisions. You know what I’m saying, big Guy?

Now you’re getting the hang of it!

Thanks, dad!

God! Call me God!

God!

Good. Now onto my 5th favourite commandment. Honor thy father and thy mother…

© 2010 ORPS6

THOU SHALT NOT 3

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord they God in vain.

So, you’re saying that I should not take your name in vain?

Absolutely!

At first, I think I understand this sentence, but then, the word vain starts waving a flag at me. Let’s look it up so we can agree that we are speaking of the same thing, fair enough?

Continue.

Okay. Basically, the Dic says:

1. excessively proud of or concerned about one’s own appearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited: a vain dandy.

2. proceeding from or showing personal vanity: vain remarks.

3. ineffectual or unsuccessful; futile: a vain effort.

4. without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless:vain pageantry; vain display.

5. Archaic . senseless or foolish.

And?

Well, when you say not to say your name in vain, what do you mean? For example: Do you mean to say that if I am an excessively proud person, concerned about my own appearance, qualities, achievements, that I shouldn’t speak your name?

Exactly.

Are you saying that most Christians are breaking this commandment? I mean, what if I was a proud person, but I was also proud of you, and went around trying to witness to people about your glory… what then? Would I be allowed to say your name under that set of circumstances?

Sounds reasonable.

Great! Thanks. This is working wonderfully. Do you see how really useful it is to understand what you’re trying to say?

Good. Shall we move on?

Yes, we shall. And, I hope you don’t mind, just before we do, I just want to tie up the loose ends here before we move forward to your next favourite, number 4. It’s just this: If my friend, Bob, told me not to take his name in vain, I honestly wouldn’t have a clue what he was talking about. What do you mean, Mr God?

Obviously I’m going to have to dumb this down for you… but, here goes: if you say good things about me, things that give me thanks and praise, that’s cool, you can say my name then. But if you’re talkin’ trash, you know, dissing me, as you’d probably say, that’s a no-no. Big time. I won’t stand for that –

Okay. It’s cool. You’re cool. Calm down. Breathe. Why not we move to number 4.

I thought you’d never ask!

(Next blog: Remember the Sabbath day to keep it Holy.)

© 2010 ORPS6